Never Been Kissed

At midnight on New Year’s Day.

I don’t know what all the hype is about, but I was listening to the Tom Joiner Morning Show this morning, and they kept talking about who they were going to kiss at midnight tomorrow. It was then that it dawned on me that I have never been kissed at midnight on New Year’s Day. I mean, what the heck? Before I continue, I must make a disclaimer: If my parents are reading this blog, then it should known that I, Vera Ezimora, have never, ever been kissed. Tufia kwa. I don’t even like boys. Yuck. Pee-eww! Now, as I was saying, whatever am I going to do at midnight tomorrow? More like, whoever am I going to kiss at midnight tomorrow?

The funny thing is that at midnight, I will be in church bringing in the New Year. And if you’re on my texting list, you’ll be receiving a text from me right around that time. So since I’ll be in church, I take it that it may be frowned upon for me to be kissing a boy — in the House of the Lord — during service — in the midst of a Nigerian congregation. Mm. You know your people.

Since I most likely will not be swapping spit at midnight, I do have another option, thankfully. In Mexico/among Mexicans, it is widely believed that wearing a red underwear into the New Year will bring you good luck in love. I only have two little big problems.

1.  Some say that you should wear the underwear inside out, and others say you shouldn’t. Which one should I do?

2.  Both of my red underwears are currently not wearable. One is not tight enough, and the other one is a t-string. Yes, Ms. Flow is flowing. I take it that a sanitary pad will not sit well on a t-string. What do you think?

By the way, two things you should keep in mind about the underwears in Mexico: (a) For prosperity and money, one should wear a yellow underwear into the New Year, and (b) These traditions – whether red or yellow underwear – are for women only.  Sorry guys.

It appears that I’m back to square 1. I probably won’t be getting kissed at midnight. And I can’t even wear a red underwear! Now that I think about it, I still have about twenty-four hours to get myself a tight-fitting red underwear. I can even make it better by buying a tight-fitting red and yellow underwear. Oh, yes. 2011, here I come!  In 2011, there will be love, prosperity, and money.

On a serious note, I actually declared 2011 my personal year of greatness. I thought of it one day and I decided that 2011 was/is/will be my year. I have not written one single New Year resolution. No need to. Things are different already. And from here on out, the only way is up. From my lips (fingers) to the ears (eyes) of God.

And thank you for all your support. For your comments, for your e-mails, for your phone calls, for following me on Twitter, for liking me on Facebook, for listening to, calling into and hosting the Verastically Speakin’ Talk Radio, and of course, for lurking around and pretending not to be here. I heart you more than you know. Soon, I’ll be better able to show my affection. Thank you.

P.S. I am very sorry to report this, but unfortunately, my VP of the month series will be starting in February 2011 (instead of January). I apologize for longer-throating you.

Happy New Year

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  1. Funmie says

    Kiss ko, kisser ni…. Omo we are going to be in HOP dancing our behinds out and thanking God in advance for that great year.

    Goodluck swapping saliva with a boy in church….. Tufia kwa, abomination.

    • says

      Fufu, you were there na! You witnessed it live and direct. The “someone” to kiss was MIA. I had plenty of time to do the kissing. *SMH* This life sef. E go better sha. One day be one day.

  2. says

    Now I’m going to dream of webby lines of spittle, and a parachute medley of red and yellow, tight and t-string, new year panties


    • says

      Jayla! Jayla!! Jayla!!! How many times did I call your afa? kpa cha lu anya gi oh! Ah ah, what is it na? Did they send you come my side? Leave me and my unkissed lips oh! My God will provide, shey you hear? And when my own comes, it will better pass your own! *Insert very, very angry Igbo face*

        • says

          Chineke Nna, have mercy on me. What kind of temptation is this? Jayla, have I offended you in anyway, ehn? Don’t frustrate me to the point of no return – when I’ll start kissing every Ebube, Fotunatus, and Okwudili. Rapu kwa’m oh!

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