Everyday I wake up and go through the same routine. There’s so much to do in a day, and I always plan on blogging and writing. But before I know it, it’s night time, and I have to go to bed so I can wake up at 6:45 AM the next day. The plan is always to do it the next day, but when the next day comes, it happens all over again. And that’s why I have come up with a solution. Keep reading to find out more.
The solution: We the people should invite God to a hearing. If He fails to appear, we will hold Him in contempt. If that doesn’t work, we will issue a warrant for His arrest. Assuming He does show for the hearing, however, we will explain to him that twenty-four hours are no longer enough for us for one day. He has to increase our time to forty hours a day and ten days a week. If it doesn’t go this way and we have to issue a warrant for His arrest, I guess the challenge will be tracking Him down.
If it comes to that, I suggest that we talk to everyone who is about to die (like people on death row and people in hospice care). We’re gonna need at least two about-to-die people. The first person that dies will search for Steve Jobs. We don’t know where he is today: heaven, hell, or somewhere in between. We will continue to send dead people in search of Steve Jobs until he is found. Once he is found, we will tell him to build us a heavenly GPS that also serves as a phone that goes between all realms, a computer than needs no battery, internet, or electricity to operate, an mp3 player a camera, and a microwave. These will be the functions of the GPS. We trust Stevo to make good stuff. We will then equip the next dead person with this GPS which they will somehow attach to God. That way, we will always know where He is, and we’ll be able to catch Him to arrest Him for the hearing. If a warrant for His arrest is not needed, then we’ll skip this paragraph and go to the next.
Knowing how God likes to remind us of His power, He may show up and just laugh in our faces and ask us who the heck we think we are. And that is why we need some insurance. While God is at the hearing, some of us (not me) will kidnap Jesus and hold Him for ransom. You know God loves that His son too much. No way He will refuse us then. We’ll demand our forty hours a week and ten days a week in return for Jesus. If he fails to give it to us, we’ll threaten to kill Jesus again. But this time, God will not know where the body is, so no angel will go to His grave.
Oh, while we’re at that, we should also demand personalized weather remotes. Everyone will have their own remote. If at any time you feel like you don’t like the current weather/temperature, you can just press your remote and make it the way you want it. Even if you feel like causing a tornado for your ex that cheated on you, you can do that too. Also, we should be able to change the sun and moon. For example, I was driving the other day and the sun seemed to be right in my face. Even with sunglasses, it was hard. Imagine if I had this remote! But God must also have some angels on the phone and internet for
twenty-four forty hour customer service, just in case someone mistakenly throws the sun into the Pacific.
Who’s with me?