Tag: Mr. Shoes

And this time, it's not an April Fool's trick - like that other time.  I'm sorry you had to find out this way.  And I'm sorry I kept it away from you, but if it makes you feel any better, I also kept it away from Mr. Shoes.  You see, this isn't exactly how I planned to get married, but as they say, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

I'll make this as short and as simple as possible: from Friday, February 5th to Sunday, February 7th, we experienced suffered a snow storm.  It took me five hours to shovel the sidewalk and dig Fotunatus [my car] out of 26 inches of snow.  School was out for over a week.  Less than a week later, we received another 12 inches of snow.  More shoveling and digging ensued.  By the end, I was sure I would need a chiropractor to fix my back, shoulders, waist, and arms.Since then, it has snowed about three or four more times, albeit very lightly.  This week and next week, we're expecting snow; I don't know the amount.  

So, where does Mr. Shoes come in, you ask?  Well, you see, while we were shoveling, my male neighbors shoveled and shoveled and shoveled --- while their wives stood by the door and directed them, "Honey, you didn't get that little part there," and occasionally, their wives brought them soup, sandwiches, and warm beverages.

I want to be a wife, darn it!  Shoveling isn't fun.  I'd rather be giving directions and offering warm beverages.  So, yes, Mr. Shoes and I will be getting married today.  I have to make sure that I marry him before the next snow storm.  Wouldn't want him thinking that I married him just because of the snow storm.  I mean, what kind of wife would that make me?

...with Rosie!

The thing is, I don't think she knows about it.

It all started on August 22nd of this year when Rosie co-hosted with me for the Female, Accomplished, Over 30, and Single show.  That was Rosie's debut on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio.  Mr. Shoes listened to that show as usual, and he loved it.  He later told me that Rosie was his favorite co-host because he liked her voice.

A few weeks ago, we [Mr. Shoes and I] were planning the upcoming shows, and when I mentioned that I wanted to have Rosie co-host yesterday's show [Naija, Here I Come], Mr. Shoes's face brightened up, and we had this conversation:

Him: Rosie is co-hosting?

Me: Yeap.

Him: Does she know I like her voice?

Me: (laughing) Yes, she knows actually.  I told her.

Him: Does she like mine too?

If looks could make pigs fly, the look I gave Mr. Shoes would have certainly caused a scene in a few barnyards that day.

Last week, Mr. Shoes and I were once again planning the shows for the first quarter of 2010 when he recommended Rosie for one of the shows that we need a married person for.

Me: Oh, Rosie won't be able to do it.  She's not married.  We need a married person, remember?

Him: Rosie is not married? *eyebrows arched very high in his forehead*

Me: No.

Him: She's single??? *verbal enthusiasm*

Me: Yeah.

Him: Oh, wow.

I have thought about these occurrences, and I have decided that there is only one way for me to fix it: I'm going after Turtle (Rosie's man).

Dear Rosie, please release his digits RIGHT NOW!!!

P.S. Shows for 2010 are currently being planned and scheduled, and I'm interested in having new voices.  radio@verastic.com

P.P.S. I'm still waiting for those digits, Rosie.  Turtle and I have to talk!

So the post about my 17-day fun ignited a question: Did Mr. Shoes and I get married and go on our honeymoon?

Uhm... no!!!!

Frankly, I am hurt, shocked, and disappointed that you would even think that. What kind of honeymoon lasts for 17 days? Not mine!! I have decided that my honeymoon will last for one year and will include 12 to 15 countries. That's my plan for now. I just might increase it to 18 months. That way, by the time hubby and I are coming back from the honeymoon, we'll also have Junior (or Juniors) in tote. How convenient! The idea of not knowing where, when, or how Junior (or Juniors) will be conceived totally excites me. The idea of not knowing where Junior (or Juniors) will be given birth to is also very exciting. I keep saying Juniors because I intend on having a set of confusingly identical twin boys, remember?

A 17-day honeymoon just wouldn't be enough to accomplish all that I plan on accomplishing - although I currently do not know what it is that I plan on accomplishing. Not to worry, I have time to come up with a list. **Hint, hint** All vacation resorts are welcome to send me free one week trial packages. Did anyone say Sandals?

A honeymoon is a vacation, and while on a vacation, you are not supposed to be working. Instead, you are supposed to be relaxing. And while you are on a honeymoon, you and your spouse are supposed to what --- have all the uninterrupted sex you can have before facing reality where bills, mortgage, work, the postman, and friends like Funmie can "break" your "flow" ... I think I just totally broke my own flow with the image of the uninterrupted sex + Funmie. Tsk. Tsk. Something about that line just didn't flow too well with me. I'll start over in the next paragraph.

So considering that while you are on a honeymoon, you are your spouse are supposed to have all the uninterrupted sex you can afford before life truly begins .... nah .... this line still does not work. I think it's because I just keep writing about uninterrupted sex for no reason. What I should really be writing is >>> Considering that I want my honeymoon to last for twelve to eighteen months, I have the following questions [Aha! This line works a lot better. Where did all that sex talk come from?]:

That's what the past 17 days of my life has felt like: party, party, party! Or let me rephrase it, "Fun, fun, fun!!!" Yes, Sir! I have actually been having fun. I, Vera Ezimora whose only known method of fun used to be weddings, baby showers, bridal showers, movies, and bowling. Yes, I have now evolved to a new level of fun - the type of fun where I hop on a plane and fly to a place where they paint their homes pink and yellow. Happy, happy place, it seems. Nothing compared to the red brick buildings in Maryland. But I digress.

Let me tell you what I was able to accomplish in the past 17 days - some in Maryland, and some in other places:

Considering what will be happening tomorrow, I should not even be saying that I love tomorrow. Considering what will be happening tomorrow, I should be dreading it and wishing it will never, ever make it here, but if tomorrow doesn't come, neither will next tomorrow, and all the other days that I hope for.

I liken it to cooking a pot of goat peppersoup from scratch. By scratch, I mean, the goat is still alive. So first, you have to kill the goat, roast it to burn off its fur, cut its meat into pieces, etc, you get the point .... before you actually start cooking. It may be a lot of work, but when you get to the end, the result is pure bliss, no? Of course, by then, you might be too tired too eat, but let's not factor that into this analogy, or it will ruin it for me. Oh, and I realize that the idea of killing and roasting a goat might not be very appealing to vegetarians and the animal whatever-they-call-themselves, but please, I'm Nigerian. We kill and eat goat meat. Deal with it.

My point? I'm not very happy about what will be happening tomorrow. But I know that tomorrow would have to happen in order for all the other plans to also come to pass - all by God's Grace. So I welcome tomorrow with open arms - not because of what she will bring me, but because of what the days after her will bring. Is there anyone else who is not looking forward to tomorrow? Just me then? Okay.

Speaking of tomorrow, Verastically Speakin' will not be airing live this Saturday. I'll be back on the 24th of October 2009 with The Nigerians Did It. We'll be talking about the Sony PS3 commercial (which I have embedded below) and the District 9 movie - which I unfortunately cannot embed, especially if I want to keep Verastically Livin running. You know how it is.

I have done a lot of crazy things for love. Okay, fine, maybe not a lot, and come to think of it... what love? But this time, I am about to do something crazy for love. It really is crazy, and it really is love. A while back --- a really long while back --- I heard on the radio that if you have a partner [boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fiancee, husband, wife, whatever else there is out there these days] and he/she has never farted in front of you, it means that he/she has a lot to hide from you and cannot be trusted.

I am not one who wants to walk around farting. There is no honor in that! L In front of Funmie, Busola, etc, sure - in fact, it would be my pleasure J - but just anyone --- especially a man? Hmm. If memory serves me right, there are only two men I have deliberately farted in front of: my cousin (who is like a brother to me) and my father (and that was when I was a baby and could not countrol myself anyway). Fine, I admit I have farted in front of a few male babies. Sue me.

The radio personality also said that your partner should be able to do number two (doodoo/poop) in front of you. See, I have a big problem with this. I do not even like number-twoing in other people's homes - males or females. I prefer doing it in the comfort of my home where I can scream, shout, and sing while I'm doing it. Besides, ever since Funmi's doodoo clogged the toilet and someone else had to come fix it, I've been a bit on the paranoid side. Every slice of shit deserves a flush, peeps. Remember that the next time you decide to offload your excess luggage.

But for the love of Mr. Shoes, I will break my rules. Oh, yes, I will. I will go above and beyond to doodoo and fart in front of him - for him, of course. As you all may know or not know, I am extremely lactose intolerant. That said, I will consume as many dairy products as I can before I pay him a visit. And I'll mix it up with a very peppery bowl of peppersoup. That should take care of both natural occurences. (By the way, Natural Occurance is Mr. Shoes' word for the natural occurence of farting & doodoing).

After that, I will HAMMER. By the time I'm through with him, he will be sure that he knows me. Sure, he may be a little bloated, but the end will justify the means, no? Oh, the things I do for love!!! Let no one ever say I never showed Mr. Shoes any love.

Today is the last day of August. I do not know about everyone else, but the 1st of September, for me, marks the beginning of the end of the year. And the end of the year marks the beginning of a New Calendar Year and a New Birth Year for me.

At this point, I am very well aware of the thoughts that are running through your mind right now, and trust me, I am just as worried. What on earth are you going to give me for my birthday?!?! Ah, I don't quite know myself. This gift-receiving thing gets more difficult each year. Let's not forget what happens exactly one month after my birthday - Valentine's Day!! (February 14th). A shy smile creeps up on my face each time I think of this year's Valentine. But I digress...

I really was just 21 a little while ago - or so it seems. Now, the memory of being 21 is so distant. I don't even remember what I did for my 21st birthday. On another note, the people at Best Buy said Nwoke Ocha will be ready today. I'm not going to wait for them to call me. I'll just go there by myself and demand to see my boo, and he better be doing great. Can't wait to rub my fingers all over him.

In April, I blogged about my fake engagement to Mr. Shoes, and the comments were so numerous that they almost broke down my blog. But what struck me was that some people said they didn't fall for the lie because the ring just wasn't big enough for me. Seriously...???

I bring this up now because this past Saturday (July 18th) was hawt on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio as we battled over the price and size of an engagement ring. In spite of having 90 minutes dedicated to the show, we still ran out of time. I apologize to Leggy, Chayoma, and Bumight for not having read their mails. And to think that I even printed them out.

The call volume was so high that by the time the show was over, I still had so many callers on cue whose calls I could not take. For that, I am also sincerely sorry. The people in the chat room seemed to also be chatting so psychedelically that the darn chat room had to have a psychedelic break down and log us all out. For that, I am also sorry. If you haven't listened to the show, you can listen to it from my blog by clicking on it. The player is on the right sidebar.

So back to the engagement ring: ehm... exactly how big do you think I want this ring? I think I may have given people the impression that I want the kind of rock that would reflect sunlight into Planet Mars. The size of the rock on the ring below isn't bad, but it's fake. Alright fine, maybe it's a little bit on the small side, but it isn't entirely bad.

To prove how totally not-into-the-size-and-cost-of-a-ring I am, I went to Tacori dot com, a website I have always loved and admired. Without first looking at the prices, I picked rings based on their style alone (thin, platinum band, not a queer-shaped diamond, etc) - not knowing the cost. I will prove to these people that I am sooooo not too crazy about the cost. I just want it to be my style!

Price of first ring: $6, 300 (Hmm....)

Price of second ring: $6, 600 (Double hmm...)

Price of third ring: $3, 530 (Aha!! Didn't I tell them I'm understanding...?)

Price of fourth ring: $5, 500 (I was doing good in the third ring; what happened?)

Price of fifth ring: $10, 740 (I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Well, you know what? Screw it!! What does Tacori know about me? I don't even like their rings anyway!!! ***Nose growing longer, swallowing big gulp of spit***

I had already started linking the rings to their pictures on the web for you to see how nice and simple they look, but I thought better of it. It won't be difficult for this post to be misconstrued. I really don't think a man should spend three months of his salary on a ring because that would be a lotttt of money (unless he has nothing else to do with the money). But I do solemnly believe that a man should know his woman's style and buy the best [of her style] that he can afford. Shikena. If you're going to do it, you might as well do it well.

That said, I'm very grateful to everyone who listened, called in (especially the international callers), e-mailed, and chatted away in the chat room. Thank you to those who tweeted and Facebooked too. If I had the money, I'd go Oprah on you all, and buy each of you a car. But for now, I do hope that my sincere gratitude suffices.

Next week Saturday, July 25th 2009 10:00 AM US EST/3:00 PM Naija time, we'll talking about the importance - or lack of importance - of your partner's weight, height, and size of certain body parts. There's a poll on the right sidebar. Help your sister out. And tune in on that day. Go HERE to set a reminder for the show.

Chei. But that my engagement to Mr. Shoes was hawt oo. I almost forgot it didn't happen sef. Hehehe.

This is the first post of its kind on my blog, so I'm not even quite sure where or how to start. But I have to start somehow and somewhere, right? Well, first and foremost, I am grateful to God for letting you see this day. Not everyone has lived to be XX. But you, my dear, by the favor and grace of God, you are alive and well today.

As you celebrate this day, I pray that you are blessed and favored with everything you have ever wanted. May you be blessed like Isaac. He sowed in the time famine and reaped a hundred folds. May you be blessed like Jacob. He held unto the Lord and the Lord blessed him. May you be blessed like Joseph. In spite of being betrayed and sold into slavery by his brothers, he rose above them - literally.

Permit me to switch from talking to you to talking about you...

I am very grateful to God for granting me the opportunity to know Mr. Shoes (although it's his pleasure, of course). What started as a uhm.... has blossomed into a uhm... I don't even know what words to use here. Per the blessings above, did anyone notice that all the blessings were culled from people in the book of Genesis? That's because I just started reading my bible from the beginning again, and I am still on Genesis. To be more precise, I am still reading about Joseph in fact. Did anyone else cry when Portiphar put him in jail for a crime he did not commit? But I digress...

I want to list character traits about Mr. Shoes, but I feel like I'll be talking writing too much. I want to put up a picture of him, but.... who am I kidding? I don't wanna put up a picture of him. What I want to do is get my butt into bed. No, no... Mr. Shoes isn't on the bed. But before I go to bed, here are a few more wishes for Mr. Shoes.