I hear your first lady, Dame Patience, is back from her two month disappearance. They say she was in Germany. I did not bother blogging about her disappearance because I figured, what’s the big deal about the first lady of Nigeria disappearing? We once had a missing president (Yar’Adua), so this is definitely a fly on the wall. In retrospect, I wish I had blogged about it. So many missed opportunities to crack jokes on her.
But she’s back now. And she (and all these people) are not afraid to show it. Naturally – as all celebrities do – she steps off the aircraft and waves to all her adoring fans. And they wave back, too! This is very mind-boggling for me, but then again, this is Nigeria. The first lady disappeared for two months with no explanation whatsoever, and she is received with jubilation? For what? I can’t possibly be the only one who thinks this is crazy.
You see, this right here, is a problem. We (Nigerians) complain and complain about the government, about how they’re oppressing us, about how unkind and unjust they are, but when an opportunity like this happens, we stand there and celebrate the people who kill us daily. And we call them “Mummy.” Ehm, Patience ain’t my damn mummy!
In her defense, this isn’t nearly as bad as when Yar’Adua disappeared and his wife, Turai, did not even want to tell us if he was dead or alive. And when news finally broke that Yar’Adua was dead, Turai wanted to become the president. I was furious, asking, what the heck does Turai know about being a president?
That was when Nigeria rejoiced that Jonathan was finally our [Acting] Head of State. We thought we had found our messiah. Little did we know that we were going from frying pan to fire. And now, I ask, what the hell does GEJ know about being a president? Turai may have as well led us. What’s the worst that could have happened, a terrorist group will rise and begin to kill its own people and face no punishment for its crimes? Oh, wait. That’s already happening. Everyday.
Welcome back, Dame Patience. While you were gone, shit happened. Glad to have you back. More shit can happen now. Four boys were killed in Aluu, Port Harcourt. We don’t know yet exactly what’s going on, but different stories keep popping up err’day. Some “suspects” were accosted for the crimes, and then, they were paraded around town by the police as the murderers of the boys. But I thought they were just suspects. Welcome back. Whatever would Nigeria do without you? Now, please, give us a speech. We need something to lift our spirits.
You see, Nigeria, you’re in good hands. Your president has the nerves to fly his wife out of the country for God-knows-why, not tell you – the Nigerian people – what happened to her, and then, just to harden the blow, she’s welcomed with a lavish celebration. Which way, Nigeria?
Do I need to ask what the frack she’s wearing, or should I leave that alone?