I have been wanting to blog about this for a while, but I couldn’t blog about it because I hadn’t blogged about our marriage yet. Now that I have [see here], let me tell you the immense and incredible pressure that I and my womb have been under. Before I got married, the pressure was to be married. One mention of a friend or acquaintance getting married, and the next question is, Vera, when are you getting married? When are we going to come and eat your own rice? As if I even promised to serve rice at my wedding.
It was annoying then to be asked the same question over and over, especially when I was not ready for marriage or thinking about marriage. Even when I was dating Igwe, I was not really thinking about marriage. I was more concerned about other things, like money, career, etc. That said, as soon as people know that you’re married, the next thing is, so when are you having a baby? What are you waiting for to have a baby? When are we going to come for your own naming ceremony? Well, first of all, I’m Igbo, so I cannot promise a naming ceremony. It’ll only happen if Igwe wants it.
Some people go as far as saying things like, “I hope Igwe isn’t shooting blanks …” Seriously??? If that were even the case, would I be saying yes, he is when you ask the question? Now that I think of it, perhaps I need to shock someone and say, yes oh, he’s been shooting blanks. But we’re working on getting a volunteer. Would you/your husband be interested in getting me pregnant? Seriously, all it makes me think about is people who may have fertility issues and how incredibly offensive and hurtful these questions will be to them. For me, it’s not hurtful at all, but I do find them annoying and sometimes offensive.
When it comes to the issue of having babies, I just never ask anyone when they’ll be having babies because it’s such a sensitive and personal question, and you don’t know what’s going on with people. In the same way, unless a woman is visibly pregnant beyond any doubt, I will never assume that she is and congratulate her or touch her belly or anything like that. Ask Funmie about the time she touched someone’s belly and congratulated her on being pregnant and the girl told her that she actually wasn’t pregnant. Uhm, awkward much? But that’s what Funmie gets for being a busy body. It could be anything inside that belly: gas, food, fat, fibroid, remnants of a miscarried baby — anything. So don’t ask. Don’t touch. Don’t congratulate. Unless you know for sure.
And of course, there is such a distinct difference between the way Nigerian people ask me these questions and the way Americans ask. Nigerians will ask, WHEN are you having a baby? WHY haven’t you had a baby? WHAT are you waiting for to have a baby? So aggressive and interfering. Americans ask me, DO you plan on having babies? WOULD you like to have babies? Questions that you can answer without wanting to give the person an uppercut.
Babies are great, and I believe that they are gifts from God, but the reality is that not everyone wants to have babies. Some people just want to live their lives. Some couples just want to love themselves and not worry about raising people and all that stuff, and that’s just fine. Some other couples want to have babies, but they want to experience life with just each other a little bit more. Considering my several mentions of my obsession with having confusingly identical twin boys, you should know that I am not one of the people who don’t want children. But I am definitely one of the people who will never, ever answer silly questions about when I’ll have a baby. My friend, Solachi keeps asking me when I’ll have a baby, and I have told her several times that unless she’s the one who will be getting me pregnant, I don’t want to discuss getting pregnant with her. Period.
I feel nowadays people just use it as conversation starters,having babies is a personal desicion..Just like most ladies out there all i get these days are..when is the date? hope its this year oo? what are you waiting for? Like its my own doing.. Its not like when you have babies there would voluntorily say ”ah vera take $6000 towards tutition ” hahahhaah if wishes were horses
Ah! Theisokogirl, if anyone ever volunteers money toward my baby’s school fees, then they can ask me about the state of my womb any time they want!
Asked when I’m having a baby? Check
Asked how old my baby is… (when I have none)? Check
Asked how far along I am (when I’m not)? Check
Asked if I’m not worried about my biological clock? Check
Asked why I wasn’t shouting AMEN at every pregnancy/twins/triplets prayer? Check
Been there, done that, bored.
Berry Dakara Blog
Hahahahaha at the twins/triplets prayers. Loool! That reminds me of when I did not ever say AMEN to prayers about marriage. Abeg jare, we don’t all have the same schedule.
Personally, you should have given that person that said ‘shooting blanks’ an uppercut, that is crossing THE line!!! Unbelievable, which kain nonsense joke be that??
Having babies is a personal jounerny and definitely isn’t something to jump into, like marriage so I agree one shouldn’t feel pressured into it! It’s just soceity that believes there’s a pattern – school, job, marriage, babies, although not necessarily in that order! But oh well, just do you! That said, considering how well you kept your marriage quiet I won’t be surprised if you said you were going to have a baby next month!! :p 🙂 Bottomline, when you’re good and ready you’d do what’s best for you & your Igwe!
I agree with you Tola. ‘after the when are you getting married’ question, i think the ‘when are you having a baby’ question is the most popular insensitive question especially Nigerians, most just ask tactlessly. Presseure to have a kid is x10 of pressure to get married. Me i fall into the category wanting to experience life with just my spouse a little bit more before the kids come and its all about them, i’m actually working on a post, having compiled all the questions i have been asked since i got married, you’ll think i’ve been married for up to 9months sef. Children are a gift from God and adequate preparation must be made to cater to this gift with the very best, this is my standpoint.
Hamira, please take your time and do it when you’re ready. I, too, agree that having a baby is something that should be prepared for and not taken lightly.
Tola, hahahahahaha at not being surprised if I’m already pregnant. Haba, I’m not that bad — I think. Lol. People can continue counting my periods oh. When they’re tired, they’ll let me know.
I’ve been told to “relax” and I will get pregnant. I almost slapped the girl- if only she knew that I had already had 2 miscarriages at the time. I even have “friends” who call me saying they could sense that I was pregnant– just to be nosy. Again, not knowing what I was going through- although she did know I had been trying for a while (maybe it was her way of showing off, because she had just had a child).
Nigerians are the worst, and will make you feel inferior if you don’t pop out babies on their timeline.
Anon, I am soooo terribly sorry. Unfortunately, Nigerians are quite insensitive when it comes to this issue and many others. I know it’s impossible, but as much as you can, please don’t let people’s words affect you. You know you have your own timeline and destiny. So I’ll just tell you what I tell myself: enjoy the journey to the destination.
Amen Vera. Gbam, you said it all.
Thank you, Adabeke! By the way, I saw you on the Steve Harvey show! Looking good! Lol.
I wear iro and buba and they rush to me excitedly- When are you due!
When are you having a baby? I’m not ready yet I answer. With worried look they remind me about my biological clock seeing that I am entering my late 30’s. With a smile on my face I tell them if the clock runs out I’ll adopt. They walk away with a shocked look on their face! So Vera, when are you having a baby? *runsawayfast*
Joy, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Please don’t let Nigerian people make you enter One Chance ooo. Cause when you enter one chance now, they will not be there to dig you out. Baby will come when baby comes. And there are many ways to get said baby.
ehnnnn…shey u were pregnant already here…lol… in my mind.. FBI Things! lol..congrats dear!
Hahaha. I had to open the post and look at the date I published it. No, I was not actually pregnant here. This was about a week before I saw my last period. I remember that much 🙂