So You Think Your Past Doesn’t Matter?

Next to “men will be men,” the next best hilarious lie I have heard about relationships is that “the past does not matter.” In the words of Joe Biden, that’s a bunch of malarkey. On another day, I will tell you more about the men-will-be-men lie. For now, let us talk about the past that does not matter.

More times than I can count, I have heard people say – when talking about relationships – that the past does not matter. What a person did in his/her past should not matter in his/her present or future situation. Ironically, this theory does not seem to apply to any other facet of life – that I know of.

When a person tells you that the past does not matter, it only means one thing: they did something in their past that does matter, but they would prefer for you to overlook it. And men and women mean different things when they say that the past does not matter. Of course, I’ll tell you what they mean.

When a man says that the past does not matter, it usually means that he’s guilty of at least one of the following – in no particular order: (1) He has a criminal record (2) He has made terrible financial decisions and has a bad credit score to prove it (3) He has four children and five baby mommas (4) He’s slept with your sister (or someone you know quite well), or (5) All of the above.

When a woman says that the past does not matter, it usually means that she’s guilty of at least one of the following – also in no particular order: (1) Her vagina is like a Hotmail e-mail address: everyone used to have it – and some people still do. No offense, Hotmail (2) She has four children and five baby daddies (3) She has dated six men in the past five months and five of these relationships were publicly celebrated (and ended) on Facebook and Instagram (4) There is no educational, vocational, or career proof that they have a viable future (in other words, this is as good as she gets and she’s not even good enough), or (5) She used to date a popular married man – who shockingly left her for his wife.

How do you know when you have encountered a person with a past that allegedly does not matter? For the men, they say things like, “I mean, I’m not an angel …” or “I mean, I’ve done some things that I’m not proud of …” and for the women, they tell you every way that they can that you should “Judge not, so that you are not judged,” or that “Judgment belongs to God,” or that “Everyone has a past,” or that they “don’t care what everyone thinks” because no one knows them, or that “he who is without sin should cast the first stone.” Isn’t it always convenient to bring God into it after the fact?

The problem is while all these assertions are true – yes, no one can judge and yes, everyone has done something – not everyone has done what you have done. Some of us were burning midnight candles to study for an exam while you were happily falling on every penis that stood for you. And penises stand for everything. Even the cool air from the air conditioner elicits the same response, so go figure. But now that you are all partied out and burned out and explored through every orifice on your body, the rest of us are expected to overlook it all because it’s God’s place to judge? Cool story, tell it again.

Answer these questions: when you go to buy a car, do you care if it has been in three accidents and if its engine is broken? When you decide to buy a house, does it matter that the house has gotten broken into three times in the past four years? And when you decide to buy stocks, would it matter that the stock has consistently plummeted since last year? When you do a background check on a potential employee and it comes back with a long history of shoplifting, theft, burglary and possible murder, would you still hire him/her?

Then how is it possible that when it comes to a relationship, people say that it does not matter what a person used to do as long as he/she does not do it anymore? Does child support payment stop because you now realize that you have in fact been a piss-poor father? Or does your Hotmail account undo the mails it sent because you have seen the light and switched to Gmail?

A simple answer to the question, does the past matter, is yes. How much it matters and what it makes or breaks is at your own discretion. Whether or not the right decision is made, the one who makes the decision has to live with the consequences. But to say that the past does not matter is a lie that is told by those who have a questionable past and by those who are gullible enough to believe them.

Whatever decision you make at the end, please remember that America will know, and there is a God oh.