Four days ago, NY Magazine published a post with a powerful picture: a picture of 35 women, all Bill Cosby’s accusers and an empty chair. Depending on who is looking at it, the empty chair could mean so many things. It could stand for the woman who is afraid to speak — or the woman who cannot even speak — or the woman who is yet to come out with her story. Or something else.
Image source: NY Magazine
First of all, I’m one of the people who was doubtful about the women who accused Bill Cosby of rape. I did not think he was incapable of doing it, but I just had a hard time understanding how such a popular man got away with raping so many women and especially doing it by giving them Quaalude. If you did not know what Quaalude was, now you do. After the deposition from years ago was released, I am left feeling disappointed that Bill Cosby did this. I admit that a part of me still wonders why on earth some of the women were handed pills and they took it. I wouldn’t take pills from people. Nope. You can read my Bill Cosby post here, but that’s not what this post is about.
When I looked at the picture of the 35 women and the empty chair, I could not stop thinking about Cynthia, a Nigerian girl I know. We are not BFFs, but she is someone that I definitely know. One day, while we chatted about girly things like birth control and weight gain, Cynthia opened up to me in a way that I did not expect. She told me about how she started getting raped in Nigeria when she was 10 years old. It was the house boy. When she eventually moved to America, she faced a lot of difficulties and was practically homeless.
She met a Nigerian man who told her that he knew someone – another Nigerian man- she could stay with, but that she would have to give him sex in return. She agreed because she had no money, knew no one, had no connections, and nowhere else to go. Some nights, the sex was consensual, but on other nights, she did not want to, but he had her way with her anyway. She screamed and pleaded, but he went on anyway. She said there were other people living in the house, but no one ever came to help her. This happened right here in America. In Maryland. In Baltimore. I won’t be surprised if he’s someone I know, even if just facially.
I was so shocked by the story. I apologized profusely as if it was me who did the crime. I uttered a bunch of rubbish that I don’t remember now, all in my attempt to encourage her. She said she did not let it affect her, that she did not want to be a victim. But it did affect her. It altered the person she would have been – for better or worse, I do not know. I asked her why she didn’t tell someone, and she said, “Who do you tell that kind of story to? Who would have believed me?” Besides, she needed him and he knew it.
I feigned strength while I sat there with her, but as soon as I got home, I broke down in tears. I was angry that someone had to go through this and there was nothing I could do to help her. I could not undo what had been done to her. I could not make her forget. And why did God – the One who could have changed it – let this happen? I was really, really distraught. It’s different when you read a story or watch a movie or even have someone tell you about their experience from a distance. But sitting across the person in her living room, having shared laughs and drinks and personal stories and then to be told this, it’s crippling and confusing and angering all at once.
So Cynthia is who I thought of when I saw the picture of the empty chair. She has not told her story. I don’t know if she will ever tell her story. Her rapists continue to live and walk the earth as if nothing happened. There are so many women like Cynthia, and to every woman who has been sexually molested, I am so very sorry. If there’s something I can do, please tell me. If you need an avenue to tell your story, please use me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. If I had the power, I would do wicked things to people who do this to other people.
This is not just a Nigerian or African or Black problem, I know that. I am only thinking specifically about my people right now because we have a culture of shaming women. We shame women for being raped. We shame women for being divorced. We shame women for being childless. We shame women for being single. We shame women for being cheated with and cheated on. We shame women for daring to have dreams. We shame women for having children and for choosing not to have children. We shame women for everything. Our culture is repressive to women, and for that I am so sorry.
So, to Cynthia and every woman like her sitting on the empty chair, I am so sorry.
Vera you got me this morning.
I am just speechless. Thanks for writing this
Thank you!! Glad you liked it. Thanks, boo.
Wow!chilling. …women go thru a lot
Yes, we do.
Your write up is very touching Vera indeed there are women to afraid to speak out about the horrors they have gone through. God bless you in being willing to be a voice to the voiceless.
Thank you, Mowo.
It’s a pity that most times women are at the receiving end of these crimes.
http://www.carolesrepublic.blogspot.com
It truly is a pity.
Hi Vera,
This story touched me..I have escaped being raped thrice in my life. So I can imagine the ordeals and the struggling that happens before rape. I escaped by God’s grace.
All I can say is that rapists aren’t strangers..they are friends that you feel at home with or relatives that you think are harmless.
I think women should carry pepper spray always and also not let our guards down. We should be watchful always.
The worst form of rape is the ones carried out by paedophiles..
May God help us all.
Nneky, I’m sorry that you had to go through that, but I’m so glad you escaped. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same story.
Vera, seriously I was a bit upset when I read your first post on the issue, moreso because I’m tired of arguing about this same issue (so it’s not just you).
From the get go, I have always said we seem to be more focused on the possibility that Bill Cosby did not do it, rather than the possibility that he did. I’m also upset that it took him admitting to procuring drugs before some people could even entertain the thought.
We need to be more sensitive to rape victims. Asking all the questions as to why they didn’t come out earlier, why they didn’t do this or that or why they did isn’t the way forward. Nobody is asking the ONE accused any questions.
I’ve blogged about almost being raped before and even now I doubt I would come forward if it actually did happen. We can’t tell people how to process their trauma because there’s no one way to process such. Powerful people DO commit these heinous crimes and we shouldn’t be afraid to explore the possibility that they did.
Bumight, I’m sorry you were disappointed, but I really have not changed my stand. When you accuse someone of a crime, the burden of proof is on you. You cannot expect that just because they said he did it, everyone should jump on the band wagon and accept it. How would that go if everyone were to believe the policemen who said that the black men attacked them?
Also, my post did not say or imply that powerful men are not capable of raping. Of course, they are. If anything, maybe they are even more capable, I don’t know.
I’m sorry you went through that ordeal, but I don’t think that asking rape victims questions means insensitivity. They are questions that have to be asked. If you report your car being stolen, you will be asked where you parked it, when you saw it last, if you locked the doors, etc.
Kind of disappointed you state you wonder why did the women take these pills as you would never have done… Sorry but that sounds like rape culture coming out unconsciously. Focusing on something that the women did that then contributes to their rape… Why did they make that choice that led to their rape? How could they be so clueless?? Is the implicit suggestion.
You didn’t say how could Cosby rape all these women? Why did he do it? No, only that you are disappointed.
You talk about how we shame women in society. Rape culture shames and you just played it out.
K, you’re so off. Tell me, what would rather me (and everyone else) do? Ask no questions? You don’t think it’s a valid question to ask why anyone (male or female) would take a pill from another person? It’s not even about the gender of who took it and who gave it, but about the danger and foolishness in taking pills from someone. I wouldn’t take a pill, and that’s just the truth. If you would take a pill – especially one you didn’t ask for – then go for it. I hope it works out for you the way you planned. But I stand by every word in this post.
this is my secon favourite post on this blog… the first being “what feminism means to me’
you took the words outta my mouth. l’m overwhelmed… so sharing this post rite now
Read this hilarious piece… CLICK HOW TO REALLY LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS
Awwww. Thank you, darling! I like that post, too. And I don’t blame you for being overwhelmed. It’s a lot going on at the same time.
Are reading the deposition are you still doubtful of the women?
No, not really. But I’d hate to be a jury member in this trial (if it possibly goes to court).
I also was one of the very few people who knew (without a shadow of DOUBT) Cosby was guilty. Please don’t ask me how lol. I was so disappointed in everybody who kept insisting he could not have done it. Especially those who referred to the Dr. Huxtable character. I was so angry with many people, how could it take a deposition from the perpetrator himself for them to believe? How could they not believe FORTY something women. It breaks my heart to see how far we still have to go in eliminating patriachy. It breaks my heart so much. For every Cynthia out there, I am sorry you have to live in a world so despicable.
Ife, lol at knowing without a shadow of doubt. Nope, not me. Even now, I cannot say that I know. I can hardly tell you what I ate for breakfast without a shadow of doubt. But what I do know without a shadow of doubt is that I am so sorry for every Cynthia. I am truly sorry about women who have to endure this horror. Nothing can undo it.
I just love you Vera.
Diaryofdido, I love you right back!! Thank you 🙂