There’s a saying that you attract what you want or what you are or something like that. So I’m starting to think that this is the reason why I attract the most interesting people. Let me tell you about Kemi (not her real name). She has a tall, handsome husband and three very good looking kids – all below six years old.
Recently, I hung out with Kemi and her husband was not home. When I asked about him, she told me he was ill and in the hospital. I expressed my sympathy, but I didn’t ask what his ailment was because you know, that’s personal, and sometimes people don’t like to discuss their health concerns.
However, Kemi felt the need to tell me what was wrong with him (and I, of course, was all too happy to listen). He had too much sperm. I was sure she meant to say that he had too little sperm. Besides, since when did we start having such a condition as too much sperm? Well, apparently it exists. And I do not remember the medical name for it now.
According to Kemi, her husband actually has two problems: (1) Production of too much sperm, and (2) Too potent. Yes, he produces too much sperm, and when he does, it is too potent. This is the reason – according to her – why they have three kids and counting. “People think we have sex all the time, but we don’t. He touches me once and I get pregnant,” she said. I don’t know about you, but for me, the sound of hearing that one touch gets her pregnant has me feeling all kinds of girly. Oh, the possibilities!
She went on to tell me that his problem was so massive that his sperm was being used for research in a well-known hospital because researchers want to know what it is that causes a man to produce such a ridiculous amount of sperm, and at such high potency, too. She said that he produces so much sperm that the doctors have to go inside his penis with a needle and syringe to suck out the excess sperm. Ouch much?
As every illness, there is always some kind of treatment or relief. For Kemi’s husband, the doctor has recommended that he has sex at least three times a day for the next nine months. I imagine the men reading this right now and wondering why they don’t have such a diagnosis and treatment plan.
Well, Kemi responded to the doctor’s prescription by saying, “Well, not with me! We have three children. How am I supposed to have sex three times a day?” And really, how do you have sex three times a day with three children under six years old? Even jobless, children-less people may have a hard time with this schedule, so I imagine that three children under six will make it six times harder.
She said she has given him three options: (1) Masturbate (2) Donate his sperm to a sperm bank, and (3) Get a side chick. He has said no on all counts. He doesn’t like to masturbate, he won’t donate his sperm because that would mean that he has children running around that he does not know about, and he will not get a side chick because he is a happily married man.
I freaked out at the mention of him having a side chick, but Kemi was all too confident that even if he had a side chick, she would not stay long because she, too, will not be able to keep up with his sexual demands. Well, that’s one way to be confident in your relationship.
So errr which one of my male readers has too much sperm? And when would you like me to help you fix it — by directing you to Funmie, of course.
P.S. The excess sperm makes him hard. A lot.
P.P.S. So the next time I saw Kemi’s husband, guess where my eyes were looking at (against my will, of course!)?