I Met A Man With Too Much Sperm

SpermThere’s a saying that you attract what you want or what you are or something like that. So I’m starting to think that this is the reason why I attract the most interesting people. Let me tell you about Kemi (not her real name). She has a tall, handsome husband and three very good looking kids – all below six years old.

Recently, I hung out with Kemi and her husband was not home. When I asked about him, she told me he was ill and in the hospital. I expressed my sympathy, but I didn’t ask what his ailment was because you know, that’s personal, and sometimes people don’t like to discuss their health concerns.

However, Kemi felt the need to tell me what was wrong with him (and I, of course, was all too happy to listen). He had too much sperm. I was sure she meant to say that he had too little sperm. Besides, since when did we start having such a condition as too much sperm? Well, apparently it exists. And I do not remember the medical name for it now.

According to Kemi, her husband actually has two problems: (1) Production of too much sperm, and (2) Too potent.  Yes, he produces too much sperm, and when he does, it is too potent. This is the reason – according to her – why they have three kids and counting. “People think we have sex all the time, but we don’t. He touches me once and I get pregnant,” she said. I don’t know about you, but for me, the sound of hearing that one touch gets her pregnant has me feeling all kinds of girly. Oh, the possibilities!

She went on to tell me that his problem was so massive that his sperm was being used for research in a well-known hospital because researchers want to know what it is that causes a man to produce such a ridiculous amount of sperm, and at such high potency, too.  She said that he produces so much sperm that the doctors have to go inside his penis with a needle and syringe to suck out the excess sperm. Ouch much?

As every illness, there is always some kind of treatment or relief. For Kemi’s husband, the doctor has recommended that he has sex at least three times a day for the next nine months. I imagine the men reading this right now and wondering why they don’t have such a diagnosis and treatment plan.

Well, Kemi responded to the doctor’s prescription by saying, “Well, not with me! We have three children. How am I supposed to have sex three times a day?” And really, how do you have sex three times a day with three children under six years old? Even jobless, children-less people may have a hard time with this schedule, so I imagine that three children under six will make it six times harder.

She said she has given him three options: (1) Masturbate (2) Donate his sperm to a sperm bank, and (3) Get a side chick. He has said no on all counts. He doesn’t like to masturbate, he won’t donate his sperm because that would mean that he has children running around that he does not know about, and he will not get a side chick because he is a happily married man.

I freaked out at the mention of him having a side chick, but Kemi was all too confident that even if he had a side chick, she would not stay long because she, too, will not be able to keep up with his sexual demands. Well, that’s one way to be confident in your relationship.

So errr which one of my male readers has too much sperm? And when would you like me to help you fix it — by directing you to Funmie, of course.

P.S. The excess sperm makes him hard. A lot.

P.P.S. So the next time I saw Kemi’s husband, guess where my eyes were looking at (against my will, of course!)?


    • alex N says

      it does exist because I too have it, however not to his extent, I need sex at least once every 48hours other wise it becomes painful because my body cant get rid of it quick enough. my doctor has told me that it is a puberty thing and that when I hit an age somewhere between 25 to 30 the production rate will slow and it will go.

  1. says

    Is this not “priapism”? This is the one that makes you hard at all times. Not that I would know anything about that. It is different from producing excess sperm though. This one is on a whole ‘nother level. From what you wrote, it seems like the man has both. It might sound funny, but is not a laughing matter, I tell you.

  2. MsDawari says

    Wait, you’re joking, right? This is a joke? I actually felt my toes curling in fear while reading this. Hian? Wow! Oh my goodness, it’s not even funny. *sigh*

  3. says

    Unfortunately, this might come as breaking news to ladies; most men have that problem. His case is not as serious as I thought; he touches his woman and gets her pregnant. What about the case of a man who get a woman pregnant by just staring at her?!!

  4. Manny says

    seems like Kemi’s imagination is a little bit colorful. just three children? abeg, if he really had a problem, they would have like ten kids. Also does kemi have bow legs yet?

    • says

      Looooooooool!!! What do bow legs have to do with the excess sperm or the children or Kemi’s overactive imagination? Haha. Can’t wait to hear this one. Biko update me.

  5. Shawna says

    I’ve been searching for information about this topic! I have a friend with the exact same condition. It’s crazy. When I first met the guy, naturally I didn’t believe him. But the guy needs sex 4 times a day or to masturbate, otherwise he’s in misery. I’ve let him hang out at my place a couple times..did nothing with him, & after 1 day he was c/o pain. He says it’s his curse and he hates it.

  6. gabe says

    See how selfish people can be?! Why hasn’t he started a charity for childless couples? For a small fee for ‘logistics’ of course. Its far cheaper and more pleasurable than IVF treatment!

    • says

      Very true. But maybe he’s just not comfortable with technically having a bunch of kids. I say technically because biologically, he is their father. So maybe he doesn’t like the idea of his offsprings being anywhere and everywhere. I don’t know sha *shrug*

  7. Tom says

    I remember a friend of mine having that kind of problem when I was at the university. If he didn’t have sex or masturbate during the day he was having uncontroled ejaculation while sleeping. But I don’t understand what the problem is masturbating can be done in a bathroom fast easy and enjoyable. On the other hand if you produce a lot of sperm this can be more difficult since the quantity is obviously large and the pressure make it go very far. Another friend of mine was talking about it one day to me and my girlfriend. He can shoot up to six feet away while ejaculating. I said to him that he was joking. And he show it to me one day (I know… sometimes, we guys have strange behaviours) and it was all real he was standing and the ejaculation went six feet in front of him and there was sperm all the way. An incredible amount. I am jealous lol.

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