Get your mind outta the gutter; I’m talking about ice cream. What do you do to ice cream?? I have a hard time picking out the right word from my vocabulary. What do you do to ice cream??
Eat: If you say you’re eating ice cream, something about it doesn’t seem right. Eat?? Does ice cream get chewed between our molar teeth? The thought of it sounds painful. Do we ever need to floss it out? ‘Eat’ just doesn’t sound like what we do to ice cream.
Drink: Now this is even weirder, but people do say they’re drinking ice cream. Unless the ice cream is melted and you’re literally gulping it down from a cup (or bottle), I don’t understand how ice cream can be drunk. Can it? If it can, it kinda defeats the whole purpose of it being ice cream.
Lick: This sounds naughty. When I think of licking ice cream, I imagine sticking my tongue out and licking it off of something…like a plate or a bowl. Or even a spoon. Try as I might, I cannot help but associate the licking of ice cream to naughty stuff. The question is: how many licks does it take to get to the middle of the ice cream?? Ah, naughty, naughty thoughts. The hardcore truth is that cunninglingus has made it difficult to hear “lick” without thinking dirty thoughts. Bad world we live in. But this is about ice cream.
Suck: This is the naughtiest. How do you suck ice cream? People say they’re sucking ice cream, but how is that possible?? I picture a hard ice cream that is on a stick, one that cannot be melted by licking. Only sucking will do. Ever since the invention of fellatio (I have deliberately used this word instead of the O.S. word to avoid further complicated Google Analytics searches), the word “suck” has just not remained the same. Of course, this predicament has also befallen the word, “lick,” but I digress…
So seriously, what do you do with/to ice cream? This is a serious debate that has been going on in my head. Unable to habor anymore of these daunting thoughts, I have decided to bring it to you: the grand jury. If you’re wondering what I do – or say I do – with ice cream, I just say, “I’m having ice cream.”
….That in itself could be interpreted to mean something else. People can have other people. The alternative is that I’m just overthinking this ice cream consumption terminology too much. Perhaps, I should just eat, drink, lick, suck, have, and shut up.