Dear Vera, I Want Him Back

Dear VeraDear Vera,

I love your blog and literally everything about you. I have a situation that may not be so unique. I have been dating this guy casually on and off and he’s a very nice guy, but I just never found myself to be so attracted to him. The sex is OK. It can definitely get better but I have never even told him so it’s my fault. The problem now is that he recently got a very good job and suddenly-suddenly he’s the man of my dreams. I know the Verastic readers will say that I am a gold digger, but abeg, make I die before una bury me.

It’s not the money in his bank account that makes me want him badly now I swear. It’s the confidence that it has brought. He now wears nice fitting suits, nice shoes, and the way he talks to me is different. This man that would lick the ground I walk on now blows me away. Suddenly-suddenly he’s realizing that I have been pushing him away for another man and he deserves better. OK Vera, yes, it’s true: I have another man but let me explain.

Like I said in the beginning my relationship with this my bobo is casual. It’s more than friends with benefits but it’s not quite a committed relationship. The other guy is not as nice as this my casual bobo but he’s more manly; as in, he’s just stronger.

Vera, the yawa that has gased now is that babes don dey follow my casual bobo. This his new job and his new status is making all the women of this town to want to fall on his d*ck and I’m feeling left out. I met him first and I owned him first so I feel like we should be trying to make things work between us. The other day, I ran into him at an event and he had the audacity to introduce me as a FRIEND. Me, FRIEND? I don’t want to start mentioning all the things we have done, but to refer to me as a friend, that was insulting.

I’m sorry for this long letter, but I need help before these hoes steal a good man from me.

P.S (me sef, make I ps like you do on the blog) I am no longer with the other guy. He’s completely cut off. Please make una no abuse me too much oh.

Dear Reader,

I really don’t like this line, “I met him first and I owned him first” because a man is not a property to be owned, but I understand what you are trying to say, and even with that, owning certainly isn’t done on a first-come-first-serve basis (or else I’d own a lot of useless property by now. Yes, I’m throwing shade).

Your case definitely isn’t unique, but not to worry, we can help you resolve it – hopefully. Basically, what has happened is that the hunter (your casual bobo) and the prey (you) have switched places, and the prey must now learn how to be a hunter. I understand what it means to be drawn to a man’s confidence. Yes, it’s hella sexy. But first, search yourself and make sure that you do not want this man because (1) He now has money or (2) Other women want him. These are not good reasons to want a man because eventually, you’ll get over them (and him, consequently).

So assuming you truly, truly like him, you need to tell him how you feel and what you would like to happen. If he’s still interested, you can go from there. But understand that the burden of conviction is now on you because he has spent however long chasing you, and you have not given him the part of you he wanted most. You have to convince him that you’re worth it. You have to win his like/love/trust back. Meanwhile, be patient. And I wish you the very best.

Alright, Umu Nna (kinsmen + kinswomen), please tell her what you think.

P.S. Igwe and I are pretty much on the same page, hence the solo response.

P.P.S. Send a Dear Vera mail via or you may send it anonymously via the contact page here. Whether or not you include your name in the Dear Vera mail, the post will never, ever include your name.

P.P.P.S. Read previous Dear Vera posts HERE.

DISCLAIMER: My and Igwe’s response to Dear Vera letters are solely based on opinion, and should be taken with caution and at your express discretion.


  1. Dalu says

    So if he loses d job and loses d confidence, u’d have him back to square one abi?… nne biko, u no get case, na im pocket u like, sorry.

  2. Jossy says

    I think you know the right thing to do.. You really need to be sincere with yourself. Do you really love this guy or is it because of the new things that are happening in his life? What if something happens tomorrow and he loses his confidence and stop wearing “fine things” would you still care?
    Meeting someone first does not mean you own them. By the way the addressing you as a friend might have hurt, but what would you rather? You stated you guys were causal. I don’t think you will like the idea of him referring you to his friends as “bootycall”
    I do agree with Vera, first make sure you really like him for him, then tell him how you feel.

  3. Man says

    This is just foolishness to me. How do you plan on convincing us that you are not a gold digger? This case is easy to me. You did not want him when he had nothing and was nobody but now that he has made it, you want to claim him. You cannot reap where you did not sow.

  4. Funmie says

    My exact words to Vera on the phone… “I hope you dont get him back”
    and i’ll explain

    If roles were switched and you were a dude doing this to one of the female specie, all hell woulda let loose here. Babes will be here talking about how men are evil, and this and that…

    You didnt want him now… but all of a sudden, He’s got money, swag and attention and ur medulla just clicked and you “want him back?” TAHHHH*******

    I dont know how good people just jam road with nonsense people ( your old self, in this case).

    See ehn? I can attack you like this because i am a GOOD girl… That GOOD can be literal, contextual, all round. and its just unfair that good people have to deal with not-so-kind people.

    You make us(the gooddie ones) feels like we crazy or somn…but y’ll are the crazy ones.
    for this reason(s), i hope you dont get him back.

    But because God is a merciful God and gives plenty chances, you might just be opportuned one of those kinda chances….

    But i think you should just cut ur loses because it would never be the same btwn you guys. This man don CHANGE my darling.

    Learn to treat the next good person (man or woman, people in general)that comes your way (daily, by the hour, by the minute) with the utmost respect.
    You might get lucky and get a man half as good as this one you let go ( but the probability = low)
    your type usually ends up SETTLING for something lesser… there’s this saying about something once in a lifetime??????

    I know that this comment is hella mean, but i just had tooo… cos like Vera, “I wont sleep this night” if i didnt :) :)

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