Dear Vera, I’m Married, But I’m Still In Love With My Ex-Husband

Dear VeraDear Verastic, I’m new to your page but thought maybe some advice from you could help me. I’m still very much in love with my ex-husband and I know that he wants me back too. However I’m married to someone else, I love and care about him and wish only good things for him but since a few weeks after we married I just didn’t love him the same.

I came from a big family and always wanted children, we talked about it before marriage and he said yes. Now all I get is no or he evades the question. I’m in the military and getting deployed, he finally told me he would have kids with me when I came back. I feel as if he is just saying this so I will come back to him.

I’m torn, I love him but I’m not happy. I convince myself it’s just a phase and move on but my feelings for him have not sparked any more interest for him, I don’t think I want to take a chance. I’m terrified that it’s a mistake like my first marriage, I regret the divorce to this day.

My dear Sweet Potato,

Thank you for your e-mail, and I hope my response and that of my readers will help you gain some clarity. Marriage isn’t something that should be tolerated. It should be celebrated and enjoyed and loved. I cannot really help you make a decision, but here are some questions you need to answer honestly:

1. If your ex husband weren’t in the picture, would you still be torn about your husband?

2. What caused you and your first husband to divorce – and has that situation been eliminated? Example, if he cheated on you, has he become repentant and changed from being a cheat? Or if he was emotionally unavailable, has that changed, too? Or if it was something you did/didn’t do that caused the divorce, are you now different?

3. If your current husband really does want to have children when you return, would you still want to?

4.  Why does your ex-husband really want you back – because he loves you and needs you in his life? Or because he just wants what he does not have?

5.  What would make you truly, truly happy? Being divorced from your husband? Being married to your ex husband? Or just being single?

6.  What did you see in your husband that made you fall in love with him and consequently marry him — and where has that thing gone now?

Some people think that self preservation is selfish and maybe it is, but I like it, and I always will. You have to first take care of yourself and get to know yourself before you know what you truly want or don’t want from someone else. As much as I am an advocate for finding one’s happiness, the point of marriage is defeated if we just switch from one person to the other.

I would not recommend that you leave your husband for your ex-husband. He is your ex for a reason, so even if you must leave your husband, do it because he is not the one for you, not because your ex husband wants you back. So much for not telling you what to do. I wish you God’s favor and protection as you serve your (our?) country.

To every Sweet Potato reading this, please respond with your opinion.

Read more Dear Vera posts here.

There are 3 ways to submit questions to Dear Vera (and no matter what method you choose, your identity will remain 100% anonymous):

1. E-mail me directly blog@verastic.com

2. E-mail me via my contact form HERE. You can fake your e-mail address, if you want.

3. Ask me a question via my ask.fm page. Truly anonymous, but it only allows 300 characters, so if your question is longer than 300 characters, you may need to revert to option 1 or 2 above.

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Comments

  1. Elean John says

    Those questions hammered by Vera were just the things on my mind when I read through this. Life is difficult when you have to make a choice.

  2. gabe says

    Babe, how won’t you be in love with your ex when u still call him REGULARLY? You don’t discuss getting back together with an occasional caller. You are simply NOT putting enough in your current relationship. It may be why you left your previous one. Sorry, just couldn’t help being a bastard. Vera n co will wipe ur tears.

  3. Manny says

    I really couldn’t make sense of this post. Where is the woman from sef? America, Nigeria or China. Let’s have some background so we can wisely dispense our invaluable advice.

  4. says

    Lol, I don’t know if you need her Nationality per se to help her because truthfully this is a universal problem. Although, I understand that different cultures and orientation/background may alter ones advise.

    Sweet Potato,
    To be totally honest with you. Nothing Vera or any of us says would help you decide. You may already have made your decisions but need help confirming it. We have read your story (or part of it) but we really can’t tell what’s going on. Yes, marriage should be celebrated and enjoyed but like every other thing in life, you need to put in efforts and lots of hardwork. Many married people will tell you that you will NOT always love your partner. In fact may be things may go sour but sometimes you need both to consciously decide to make it work. Of course there are exceptions. But try to HONESTLY answer Vera’s questions and try to be TRUE to yourself. We can’t tell you what to do but we can advise that you be really rational with your decision. Either way, make sure you decide on something you can live with and something that will make you happy. All the best.

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