Dear Verastic, I’m new to your page but thought maybe some advice from you could help me. I’m still very much in love with my ex-husband and I know that he wants me back too. However I’m married to someone else, I love and care about him and wish only good things for him but since a few weeks after we married I just didn’t love him the same.
I came from a big family and always wanted children, we talked about it before marriage and he said yes. Now all I get is no or he evades the question. I’m in the military and getting deployed, he finally told me he would have kids with me when I came back. I feel as if he is just saying this so I will come back to him.
I’m torn, I love him but I’m not happy. I convince myself it’s just a phase and move on but my feelings for him have not sparked any more interest for him, I don’t think I want to take a chance. I’m terrified that it’s a mistake like my first marriage, I regret the divorce to this day.
My dear Sweet Potato,
Thank you for your e-mail, and I hope my response and that of my readers will help you gain some clarity. Marriage isn’t something that should be tolerated. It should be celebrated and enjoyed and loved. I cannot really help you make a decision, but here are some questions you need to answer honestly:
1. If your ex husband weren’t in the picture, would you still be torn about your husband?
2. What caused you and your first husband to divorce – and has that situation been eliminated? Example, if he cheated on you, has he become repentant and changed from being a cheat? Or if he was emotionally unavailable, has that changed, too? Or if it was something you did/didn’t do that caused the divorce, are you now different?
3. If your current husband really does want to have children when you return, would you still want to?
4. Why does your ex-husband really want you back – because he loves you and needs you in his life? Or because he just wants what he does not have?
5. What would make you truly, truly happy? Being divorced from your husband? Being married to your ex husband? Or just being single?
6. What did you see in your husband that made you fall in love with him and consequently marry him — and where has that thing gone now?
Some people think that self preservation is selfish and maybe it is, but I like it, and I always will. You have to first take care of yourself and get to know yourself before you know what you truly want or don’t want from someone else. As much as I am an advocate for finding one’s happiness, the point of marriage is defeated if we just switch from one person to the other.
I would not recommend that you leave your husband for your ex-husband. He is your ex for a reason, so even if you must leave your husband, do it because he is not the one for you, not because your ex husband wants you back. So much for not telling you what to do. I wish you God’s favor and protection as you serve your (our?) country.
To every Sweet Potato reading this, please respond with your opinion.
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