Afronuts, Standtall, Favored Girl, & Naapali

What better way to honor these beautiful people than to use their names as the title of my post? The 4th time has been the charm for me. I have received this award four times. This could mean one of two things:

1. I’m a very honest blogger, and you wonderful people have finally noticed and certified me.

2. I have fooled all of you, and y’ll don’t know what da heck you’re talking about.

…I’m gonna go with number one. It’s the certified, honest truth.

1. Afronuts: My dear, thank you for being the first to present me with this award. I know I promised to come back & make a speech, but I never did make it back. For this, I am so, so sorry. That being said, I have a question I have been meaning to ask you. Don’t laugh; I’m serious. What does your name mean? I know what ‘Afro’ means, but what about the ‘nuts??’ If it’s what I think it is, then I’ll say, you naughty, naughty, boy!

2. Standtall: Times without number, I have imagined you having a conversation with my cousin, Nachi. He still believes that the Virgin Mary is not a Virgin. Why? She had breasts when she got pregnant. Who on earth made her breasts grow? Surely, someone (maybe Joseph) had to have been squeezing them. Apparently, no woman can grow breasts without a man first laying his hands on them. What say you, Standtall? lol. For those that are wondering, his last name is Ezimora too. I’m really starting to think that something is wrong with these Ezimora people. I’m clearly the only one who is sane.

3. Favored Girl: My love, you are truly favored. I learnt from Pastor Joel Osteen that I should believe I have the crown of favor on my head. So since then, I have been praying about it. I truly have. That being said, you’re truly, truly favored. Your ‘frumpiness’ did not stop you from catching your husband’s eyes. lol. Babe, I hope you have upgraded your wardrobe oh. No more grandma panties!! lol. Not many women can be frumpy yet sexy in their husband’s eyes. But let’s not push it, okay?

4. Naapali: My personal pesin! I’ve been thinking…of what use are you in my life sef? How can I have a doc in my life and not be using him? I have decided that I will go out today and badly scrape my knees and elbows, and you, Doc Naapali must take care of my injuries, by fire, by storm… FREE OF CHARGE. So please, go & buy your ticket to Baltimore. I hope you don’t expect me to fly to Chi-Town for treatment. Now that I think of it sef, the scrapes might not be enough. Where is that butcher knife? I’m off to butcher my left leg off. Bring needle & thread on your way o! My color is a little light, but not yellow. I want the thread you use to sew me to match my skin tone perfectly, please.

Ehen, the rules (which I don’t feel like pasting here) state that I should pass the award on to other people and let them know on their blog. Yeah, whatever. First of all, I’m passing this award to ALL MY LOVERS (aka my blog roll). So if your name is there, please consider yourself certified or recertified. For you to own a blog, it means there is an ounce of honesty in you, yes? Secondly, I refuse to visit 70+ blogs to tell them that they have been certified. That would be glorified spamming. Besides, I have better things to do with my time. I don’t know what they are yet, but I know I have them.

Unlike Doc Naapali who shameless told people whose names were not on his list to meet him somewhere with their bank account number, I will be dignified. I will not stoop so low and ask for bank account details. I will respect myself, and say instead that…

…I am sorry if your name is not on my list of lovers, but not to worry, my list is not written in stone. It is ever growing and changing. Change is the only constant thing in life anyway, right? Simple measures can and should be taken to rectify this situation. To have your name added, send @ least one of the following perfumes to my address ASAP. Number 1 & 2 are my most precious ones. I know it’s a rather short list, but I didn’t wanna be greedy, you know…

1. Secret Obsession by Calvin Klein

2. Pour Femme by Bvlgari

3. Romance For Her by Ralph Lauren

4. Rock n Rose by Valentino

5. Absolutely Irresistable by Givenchy

6. Miracle Forever by Lancome

7. M by Mariah Carey

8. Magnifique by Lancome

9. Notorious by Ralph Lauren

10. Vera Wang by Vera Wang

11. Princess by Vera Wang

12. Daisy by Marc Jacobs

13. Gucci by Gucci

14. Ninna by Ninna Ricci

15. Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker

…Yeap, this method is so much more dignified. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. If you’ve got a problem with it, let your complaints be known by sending one or more of the perfumes above to

Vera Ezimora

P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

***All complaints that are not accompanied by @ least one bottle of perfume will NOT be attended to. Shikena!!***

Subscribe or I will not sleep at night. Ever.

Comments

  1. Naapali says

    People blog for a reason, and we visit blogs for a reason, sometimes we don’t know why.

    I know why I come to this blog of yours. I come here because I find it impossibly unlikely that someone can be as funny and fun as you and be sane. I question your sanity and hope you stay away from all the shrinks out there. But the truth is you are my favorite insane person.

  2. Miss Definitely Maybe says

    6th!!!
    that in its self deserves an award.
    congratulations
    you deserve to be rewarded and
    I have ordered all the bottles of perfume on your list for you.
    Just go into your local Macys’ store and tell them Miss DM sent you……the password is Looney.

  3. Vera Ezimora says

    Mizchif: Ehm…why the insults now? LOL. I was only trying to NOT be greedy, that’s all.

    Temite: lol. I dey wait your speech oh. I’m eagerly waiting. I can only imagine. Don’t tell me you have ignored your school work again. lol.

    Rita: Thank you jare, my lovely sister. You be better person. You’re the only better person here. I am INDEED an honest blogger. Why not, if not?

    Naapali: LOL. Sooo, you came here to insult me abi? If you think putting ‘favorite’ before ‘insane’ will make me feel better, then you’re soooo RIGHT!!! I’m staying away from shrinks. I can’t afford them, so I’m training to be one of them. That way, I can be my own shrink. What else is new? I hope you’ve bought your ticket o

    Miss Definitely Maybe: E no go better 4 u @ allll! Na me you wan digrace for Bmore abi? Who is Miss DM?? Respect urself o! I don’t wanna go to Macy’s. I wanna receive the gifts @ my address. Since Macy’s knows you so well, call them and have them ship the perfumes to my address. The password is the same, don’t worry.

    Sting: This is a clue for you to go and buy me @ least one perfume. Abi you no get the clue? How is Ikechukwu?

  4. webround says

    rather than buying one of the perfumes on the list, if i get you the landrover instead, does that mean my name becomes NO 1 on your blogroll?

  5. Sting says

    Clue ko, clue ni. I bet that is a valid postal address, so no worry since u like Ikechukwu so much, i might just mail him to u. No return to sender oh! That should do it after all, there’s no smell like that smell of dog. Added bonus, they fart too.

  6. Vera Ezimora says

    Mz Dee: Get thee behind me, you hater! Yes, I’m the only sane one…in this life time, and in the next. Which one come be ur own? Respect urself o!

    Webround: If you send me a range rover, I will do a lot more than put your name at the top of my list. Kai! I will do sooooo much ehn… I can’t even begin to fathom it right now.

    ChiefO: LOL. I sure will. By the way, are you sending me a perfu,e or what?

    Sting: LOL. I thank you for your interest in sending Ikechukwu to me, but as you can see, nowhere on that list does it say, “Ikechukwu by Sting” lol. So thanks, but no thanks. Can’t imagine the fart. LOL.

  7. Carlang says

    What is insanity except another word for Genius?

    Lol.
    Congratulations on receiving the award for a record third time.

    There must be something about you..

    Bad things come in threes, they say.

    Perhaps.

    But then, don’t they also say..

    Third times the charm?

  8. Chari says

    Vera my love!!!!

    Hmmnn….I cannot vouch for how the perf will get through to you but I think I can muster that seductively salacious full body massage u were asking for…so what u say? I hit the next flight outta naij and hit B’more…so ma name hits that list?

  9. LusciousRon says

    Congrats on all the awards o!

    For the perfume I have like four of the ones on your list, so each time I use one I will spray an extra cloud for you. But then I am already on the list!

  10. ChiefO says

    “perfu,e” i dont know what dat is. kweshun? wetin u wan take all this perfume do. u dey try stock up for winter? think chipmonks (a.k.a go to class without taking a bath season) cos my cat is curious to know why a woman being would need all that. plus u probably have some others u’ve not even started using already. this doesnt mean i wont get u “very risi’stable by oluDIDI adeCOMBi”

  11. Bibi says

    Congrats Vera on your award.. very well deserved… But back to your list…Na wa for you! Look at you trying to ‘obtain’ na so you like your fragrances… anyway na your time…

    Though on second thoughts, we may have to involve the EFCC at some point if the obtaining doesn’t stop.. Then that’s your honesty shot out of the water… Till then keep being the sweet fragrance of life wherever you go! ( I just quote bible for you…2 Cor 2:16)

  12. Vera Ezimora says

    Geisha Song: Ah, yes oh. You’re definitely hot. And you should definitely count this award. But wait oh, you got 6??? I demand a recertification!! How dare you pass me?

    Carlang: I received the award 4 times sef, so I broke the record. If insanity is another word 4 genius, then I will be checking myself into the insane asylum. It would be an honor. Thanx 4 the congratulatory message. We must celebrate.

    Chari: Please do hit the next flight out of Naija. I have been waiting for that full body massage oh. Tell me when you can make it abeg because I am tired of waiting. I can’t take it anymore!!! LOL.

    Luscious Ron: How bout you be a nice gal and send one of them? Do you have number one (Secret Obsession)? If you do, then send it ASAP.

    Chief: Abeg refrain from getting any perfume that is not on my list oh. I want those perfumes because I want them…finish! Now, be a darling and get them. Am I asking 4 too much? No!

    Solomon Sydelle: You mentioned me in your latest post? Oh, boy! I’m off to read. I hope you said something nice about me oh…cause you know I’m a nice gal.

    Bibi: Awwwww, thanks love. I’m thanking you for saying I’m a sweet fragrance of life…not for saying I’m tryna obtain. How dare you! LOL.

    Naapali: LOL. Hahahahahahaha. I should warn you that due to excessive lack of use, Bodymore might not be functioning as she used to. Her engines might be rusted and ‘cobwebbed.’ But you’re the doc anyway. You should know the cure for this illness.

  13. naijalines says

    Vera, ever heard of mad-insania, apparently it’s new with floral notes. Best applied while lounging on a soft leather sofa.

  14. Favoured Girl says

    Oh Vera Vera Vera :shakes head:

    What can we do to cure you? But then again, some people quite like your crazy self and may not want you to be cured. Imagine you mentioning the granny pants! :sobs:

    Thanks for accepting the award sha, and here’s to many more honest and crazy years in Blogville!

  15. Vera Ezimora says

    Naijalines: lol @ mad-insania. I love the part about lounging on a sofa chair. Sounds like campbell…mm mm good. LOL.

    Favored Girl: Yes, here’s to many more Blogville years. Of course, I had to mention the panties; u know it’s all love, darling.

    ChiefO: Fine. Go ahead then. Just send them to my P. O. BOX. That’s the most important thing.

  16. Funmie says

    all these rubbish bloggers tryna steal my shine on this BLog….I am Vera’s numba one and none of y’ll can stop/steal that…..

    so all these first n second betta vamuseeeeeeeee b4 i get back…

    for the records,Vera currently has about 50 bottles of perfume, she has a whole drawer dedicated to perfumes in her room….. so pls NO MORE PERFUMES…. [PLSSS THIS GIRL IS LOOSING HER MIND}

  17. Vera Ezimora says

    Funmie: First of all, you’re not my number one. Stop that nonsense o! R u tryna burn my cable here? Stop it abeg b4 a fine boy will pass me by because of you. Secondly, stop telling lies about the number of perfumes I hav3. 50 perfumes??? I wan steal am?

    Just…Toluwa: No, no thievery here oh, just tryna make a deal, that’s all. You send me a bottle of perfume, and I’ll do almost whatever. :)

    Life of a stranger: I demand that you complete your sentence. A new level of what??? Answer me!

    Darius: LOL. People are gonna start thinking you’re crazy. I can only imagine. Haha

    Rayo: LOL. That is the question of the day. So you can imagine just how insane the Ezimora people are. Don’t worry. I’m just as sane as you are…maybe “saner.”

  18. The Professor says

    I shall send you some perfume from my favorite shop – The Dollar Tree!

    And no, you don’t have to thank me if I do send you 6 bottles…

  19. Vera Ezimora says

    Aloted: LOL. Whatever!!! I don’t care what u say. lol.

    Buttercup: I hope you mean “special” as in priceless oh. Not special as in kolo. LOL

    The Professor: You’re still alive??? I thought you stopped blogging. Send me a bottle of perfume from the Dollar Tree and I’ll deal with you.

  20. Standtall says

    Ah this Ezimora pple. You are all… I rest ma case.

    Well, does a woman need a man to grow her breast? Nada. Dem grow naturally

  21. NoLimit says

    ” I know it’s a rather short list, but I didn’t wanna be greedy, you know…”
    Madam if you now want to be greedy pls tell me how many you would have requested!
    Haba VERA!!!

  22. Vera Ezimora says

    No Limit: My dear, you should see the list of ‘to buy perfumes’ I have. Perhaps, then you will understand. LOL. And stop questioning my decisions. Just buy a perfume and send it ASAP.

    Standtall: My dear, I have done just that.

  23. Vera Ezimora says

    Overwhelmed: LOL. Y the insults?? I thought we were friends & lovers? Baby, why now? The things I do, I do them 4 us oh!! I do them 2 get us a berra life. You know you're nke'm. Ezigbo sweetheart mu. lol

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.