20 Things African Women Are Not Doing In 2020

Truth be told, there are African women who are still doing these things in 2020, but we, the African women who are no longer doing these things in 2020 – or were never even doing these things – are standing in faith, with and on behalf of the African women who are still doing these things. Ladies, when you’re ready, please join us over in the dark side, but don’t take too long.

20 Things African Women Are Not Doing In 2020

1.  Being afraid of being called a bitch: Just like Lizzo, we have taken our own DNA test, and we, too, have discovered that we are one hundred percent that bitch. Or those bitches.  And we don’t mind. We quite like it.

2.  Staying in relationships that no longer serve us: Be it romantic, be it family, be it platonic friendship, or be it work, we don’t care. Toxic is toxic, no matter who it’s coming from. In 2020, we are saying goodbye.

3.  Not securing the bags: In 2020, we’re securing all of the bags, and if you stand in our way, we will secure you too.  We are not depending on people; we are going out there and securing our bags for ourselves.

4.  Avoiding conflict because we’re ladies: We will not start the conflict, but if you send for us, we will come, and we will answer. And we will still be ladies.

5.  Being a ride or die chic: Where are we riding to? And why must we die there? Supporting a partner who does not support us is no longer a benefit that we offer. We are evaluating our partners’ work performance on a quarterly basis, and there are only two scores: pass or fail.

6.  Being afraid to ask for more: We want more. We know we want more. We know what we want. We are no longer afraid of asking for it. If you cannot give it to us, we will get it somewhere else.

7.  Accepting less because our African men don’t know better: We now know that this is a lie from the pit of hell, and we rebuke it accordingly. We see you, African men. We see you when you buy flowers for your Oyibo girlfriends. We see you when you take them on vacation to exotic islands. And we see you when you give them your credit cards to go shopping. Henceforth, we are no longer accepting your stuffed animals from Walmart. And we are no longer accepting your zero point five ounce fragrance from Burlington. You know better, so you should do better. We are women too. We were not gotten from firewood.

8.  Not speaking until we’re spoken to: Speak to us or not, we will speak when we want to. We are leading meetings, putting people in their place, and when necessary, telling people to take a seat. Or the whole couch.

9.  Dumbing ourselves down to make you feel better: We are smart. We are intelligent. We are sophisticated. We cannot help it if you aren’t. We will not be attempting to stoop to your level so you don’t feel so little. We cannot all be big, after all. Someone has to be little. It can’t be us, so it might as well be you.

10.  Waiting to be saved: You are not Christ, our Savior, so there is no need for us to wait for you.  We have learned that no friend, family, or lover can want it for us more than we want it for us, so we are doing the work it requires to get us where we need to be.

11.  Waiting for him to leave us first: We are not waiting for him to chase us out of his house because (1) It is OUR house, not his house, (2) We will leave when we are good and ready to, and (3) We are not waiting for him to decide that he does not want us. We are serving papers and storming off — in slow motion, of course.

12.  Waiting to invest: We will no longer wait to get married before we invest. We will buy stocks now. We will buy houses now. We will drive the big cars now. Unless we don’t want to. But if we want to, we will do it now, and if it intimidates anyone, they should stay far away from us because we are only just beginning.

13.  Waiting for validation: Find us beautiful or find us ugly. Find us intelligent or find us stupid. None of it matters. We is smart. We is kind. We is beautiful. And we is important. What you think is your personal problem.

14.  Putting our lives on hold to wait for you to catch up: We have plans. Either you get with it or you don’t. It’s okay if you don’t, but we will no longer step on the brakes to give you time to catch up. We’re on our way. Meet us where we are. Or don’t meet us. It’s fine either way.

15.  Putting up with unruly and ungrateful inlaws: After taking a poll of fed-up wives, we have come to the decision that unruly and ungrateful inlaws can never be satisfied, and it is not our job to do so. We will be ceasing communication from and evicting all unruly and ungrateful inlaws. We are not here to serve them. We are not even here to serve you either.

16.  Settling because good men are hard to find: Good men are hard to find, yes. But so are good women. A friend recently told me that all the good women are taken, and the way to get a good woman these days is to wait for her man to mess up, and then you swoop in and take her. Well, the same applies for the good man. We will not settle. Instead, we will wait, and we will swoop in.

17.  Staying in bad relationships for the children: Our mothers did this. Our grandmothers did this. We are not doing this. We have learned that a woman staying in a bad relationship for her children is not beneficial for the children, and it is definitely not beneficial for the woman. So we are not staying for the children anymore. Actually, we are leaving for the children.

18.  Watching War Room when our relationship is in trouble: Since we are not in the relationship alone, we kindly reserve our right to defer and delegate the watching of War Room to our parner.

19.  Not calling the police when our men become physically violent: We have been told that calling the police on our partner when he’s physically abusive is unlike a good woman. We thank everyone who has contributed to this fuckery, but we choose to speed-dial the police and and continue to be unlike a good woman. Good women never make history anyway.

20.  Pretending to orgasm so we don’t bruise his ego: Unless faking orgasms is a way to secure the bags, we, the African women, have decided not to fake our orgasms anymore. We found out that a real orgasm feels a lot better than a fake one, and we found out that the men whose ego we are trying to protect do not know that we are trying to protect their ego. So we have decided that we will no longer fake it. We would rather actually make it.

And that’s a wrap. If you are an African woman who is still doing any of these things, don’t worry, we’re keeping your seat warm for you. Join us when you’re ready. Make it sooner than later.

In other news, the reviews are coming in about this week’s episode of the I Am African podcast. Apparently, it is a hot one! Haven’t listened? It’s about women’s sexual desires, intimacy, and so much more, and it’s embedded below for you.