To All The Snails In The World, Please Forgive Me

I don’t remember whether or not I have blogged about this before. But I feel the need to confess my transgressions. A long, long time, I was mean to snails. I was still in Jos at this time. I don’t remember exactly how old I was, but maybe between 9 and 13, I don’t know.

There were lots of snails in my area. I should mention right now that I do not eat snails. I did not eat them at that time, I don’t eat them now, and I don’t foresee myself eating them in the nearest or farthest future. They look disgusting. They look like vaginas, and I am not about that eating vagina life. I don’t think that the vagina looks disgusting, but I don’t want my food to look like it either. [Truth: snails’ striking resemblance with vaginas isn’t why I don’t eat them, but their resemblance does not help. I just don’t like eating creepy things. Snails are creepy].

At some point in time – for no apparent reason – I began to collect snails and store them in a container. That was fun. Until I started cutting off what I used to call their “antennas.” I don’t know what I thought the antennas were, but I found out years later that those were their eyes. I feel horrible!

Dead snail walking

Dead snail walking [Image source: Wikipedia]

I would patiently lay wait and watch the snail until it comes out of its shell. Then once I see the antennas, I’ll quickly use my scissors to chop them off. The snail would quickly retract into its shell. Yes, I knew that this action probably hurt the snail, but for some reason, I didn’t think it was so bad. What could be so bad about snipping off a part of your body? Nothing. It was all good.

Soon after chopping their antennas off, the snails would die days later. They would die in their shells. And would you believe, I didn’t think that it was my action that killed them. I thought they died out of hunger, as I did not feed them because I didn’t know what they ate. There was no Google then. Now that I think of it, they could have died out of blindness and hunger! I killed them twice.

So anyway, this is me asking for forgiveness and asking that these murders be wiped off my record in the Book Of Life. I don’t want to go to Heaven and be questioned about why I took the lives of those poor, innocent snails. Forgive me, oh kingdom of snails. I never meant to hurt you … some times.

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  1. Adabeke says

    I don’t know why I was laughing when reading this story. I am sure the snails forgive you since you feel bad about it…hopefully.

  2. Manny says

    Chai Vera, this is so disturbing!!!!
    Seriously, I hope some PETA fanatic doesn’t read this and come knocking on your door in revenge for all those poor slugs you killed. I think you should henceforth embrace Jainism to atone for all your gastropodic sins :)

    • says

      Lool. Manny, it might be safe to say that I have already embraced jainism. I no longer chop off the antennas of snails. I should probably confess what I have done to roaches and stink bugs. Another day. Lol.

  3. Chizzy says

    Vera, I love many things about you, but what I think I love most is your ability to be funny without even trying.

    I was a snail collector too. my grandma’s house girl forced us all to collect snails which she roasted every sunday……..

    • says

      Chizzy, looool … we had a house help that made me pick those insects that fall after it rains – the ones people fry. Don’t remember their names. I never ate snails though. Still can’t eat them.

      You think I’m funny? Awwww *blushing*

      • Efe says

        They r called ‘termite’ dear :-)…as for me growing up, I would take a small snail, toss them to d ground n immediately step on them till u wouldn’t even recognize what they were in d first place…I dnt wanna say what I did to birds, ants n some other…I know better now…most times:-)

  4. Kevwe says

    Your writing is exceptional! Very original, down-to-earth and funny. And you know the amazing thing? It comes out as effortless. I always come back to read a pile of articles when I havent visited in a long time! #VeraOfLyv


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