This was supposed to be typed before I even had the baby. but I never had the chance to do so. Before Ada Verastic was born – in fact, before she was conceived sef – I already knew that Igwe was going to be a Dadzilla. However, it’s worse than I originally thought. With the way Igwe has been acting, you’d think that maybe I gave birth to Jesus. Or maybe Igwe is the first man on earth to be a father. The way he acts, if he’s around someone who does not have a child yet, he might make them jump off a bridge. So if you’re reading this and Igwe has made you feel some kind of way, please forgive him, for he knows not what he’s doing.
Let me tell you some of the things Igwe has done (or is doing):
1. Before Ada Verastic was born, Igwe started thinking about our “family colors.” Biko, is this a thing now because I have never had or heard about family colors. I don’t know where these colors were supposed to be implemented, but Igwe decided on the colors. I was so uninterested that I now don’t even remember what colors he chose.
2. Igwe said his child must wear white on the day he/she is born. At the time he made this decision, we did not know if we were having a boy or a girl. Remember we refused to find out the sex of the baby. Making this decision was kind of pointless because white is the color of the outfit the hospital puts on the baby anyway – regardless of the gender.
3. Igwe himself insisted that he must wear white. I wondered if I was going to be in excruciating labor pain while Igwe ran around to change into white and make sure his style is on point before we go to the hospital. Luckily, he had it his way because I had the baby via C-Section and there was no labor (see video here). Plus, he had to wear the white thingy to go into the operating room, but underneath the white thingy was a crisp, brand new white t-shirt.
4. I bought two little nice-smelling hand sanitizers for the house, but apparently, that wasn’t good enough for Igwe because he went out and bought this big bottle that smells like a hospital operating room. I think that if he could, he would mandate our guests to drink some of it, too and take a shower when they’re done, before they carry this daughter of his. This bottle is even bigger than the ones I see in the hospital and doctor’s office.
5. If he says “My daughter” to me one more time (as if I’m not said daughter’s mother), I will put him in timeout.
6. Speaking of his daughter, she’s too good to fly at night. I was booking a trip for me and Ada Verastic, and Igwe would not let me book the night one. “My daughter cannot be flying at night,” he said. Apparently, pilots don’t see at night. Who knew?
7. I take monthly milestone pictures of Ada Verastic. I shared the ones I took when she turned one month. Igwe has stuck the one month and two month stickers on the wall. Does he intend to do this till she turns one year old? Lord, help me.
8. For her naming ceremony, he was very adamant about her wearing white. I had to talk him out of this one. She ended up wearing an ivory-colored dress with gold polka dots.
9. For her naming ceremony, he was also adamant about the color of our aseoke, although I was okay with whatever he picked because I did not have any particular color in mind. I originally wanted purple, but I couldn’t find any purple that I liked. Igwe insisted that since we could not have purple, we had to have blue. But not any blue. It had to be Chelsea [football club] blue because Ada Verastic is a Chealsea fan. When did this happen?
10. I knew Igwe was going to be a Dadzilla when I saw the way he was treating Solachi. When Solachi made us godparents to our Amaka, Igwe became a monster. Solachi created a monster. He literally told her that she was just a surrogate mom to his baby. He still has Amaka’s picture as his header photo on Facebook. It’s surprising that a picture of Igwe and Amaka isn’t hanging on Solachi’s wall.
11. Long before my main baby shower, Igwe was already threatening that no one was allowed to touch my belly. I got tired of telling him that he was being ridiculous. The guests are literally there for what was in my belly.
12. Long before Ada Verastic was born, he said he did not want anyone to carry the baby at the naming ceremony. To which I asked, “Eziokwu?” Ridiculous. I personally carried the baby and gave her to people at the naming ceremony because that is what they were there for. Mostly. On that day, Igwe was too drunk with happiness to even notice anything.
13. Although the baby shower was a surprise, my friends did tell me to create a registry. But guess who went ahead and did it because I was allegedly wasting time? Yeap, Igwe. In what world does the father create the registry? I warned him very well. I told him that before I close my eyes and open them, he better go and delete that nonsense, unless he created it for the baby that he was pregnant for. Because for the one I was carrying. I was going to be creating the registry, and if he pissed me off, he was not going to be invited to create the registry with me. He could tell that I was not playing, so he deleted it immediately.
14. After we created the registry, Igwe went in there [behind my back] and edited items and marked some of them as favorite. I warned him once more and threatened to change the password. He even marked a bath towel as a favorite. This is exactly why men should stay away from the baby registry!
15. When he went for doctor’s appointments and sonograms with me, he complained about how they were pressing his baby too much.
16. He wanted to kill a cow for the naming. Although I was too weak to be par of the naming ceremony planning, I put my foot down on that one. A whole cow for just the naming ceremony? Are we curing world hunger? What will we do when she turns one? Or when we do our wedding? Maybe we’ll demolish a whole farm then, I don’t know.
17. In spite of my instructions, he went ahead and made Funmie cater way too much food and we had way too much drinks for the naming ceremony. Over two months later, the drinks aren’t finished yet (and that’s not including the ones that were stolen)
18. He’s yet to give her a bath because he’s afraid of breaking her. He takes forever to take her clothes off because he is also afraid. Sometimes, he doesn’t make her diaper tight enough because she “did not let him.” And don’t get me started on how he wears he bib.
My people, I don tire. If anyone is looking for an Igwe, I’m renting mine out. I can’t give him up permanently because I still need him to play mommy and daddy games. And other things, too. But if you need him temporarily, I’ll be receiving payments via PayPal. Ada Verastic is not part of the package.
P.S. The white lace wrapper and blouse is the first one I have ever sewn for myself. And the aseoke is my first one ever, too. Hayam mashuring, y’ll! Biko don’t ask me the name of this lace or aseoke because I don’t know that one yet. I have not graduated to that level yet.
P.P.S. As I was adding pictures to this post, I was reminded that I never blogged about the naming ceremony. Oops.