Few weeks ago, I did the laundry. And ever since then, it’s been sitting in the “clean clothes” bin, but I have been too lazy to put them away. I have no problem doing laundry. It’s folding and hanging them that I hate.
Anyway, two nights ago, I finally decided to hang them up, and everything was great until I pulled out Igwe’s lime green sweater and it looked like something that an 5 year old would wear. I was so sure it shrunk, but then, I thought to myself, maybe I’m exaggerating. Perhaps, it’s not even as bad as I think it is. So I pulled out another one of Igwe’s sweaters and decided to do a comparison.
It’s worse than I thought.
I pulled and pulled and pulled the sweater, hoping it’ll stretch back to a mirror of it’s former size, but to no avail. Igwe was sleeping the entire time I was doing this right under his nose. After trying unsuccessfully to stretch the sweater back to its original size, I did the only thing that seemed logical.
I hung it back in his closet, tucked it in well between other sweaters, and decided that when he asks, I’ll feign ignorance. It’ll be an Oscar-winning act when I say, “Oh, my God! What happened?! What did you do to it?”
But my inner voice decided that that would be a stupid plan because Igwe doesn’t do laundry. I always do it. And he knows that he wore that sweater. And he knows that I had to have washed it for it to be hanging there.
Plan B: Get rid of the evidence! If he never sees it, he’ll never know what happened to it. Then my inner voice came in again. Errr, yeah, that’s great. But he knows he wore the sweater. And he knows you washed it. Then what will you say happened to it? Dryers don’t eat sweaters. They only eat socks and panties. This is proven, and you know it.
Plan C: Confess. Say the truth, and the truth shall set me free. My inner voice added, but errr, do it on your blog. That way, he’ll read it at work and vex at work. By the time he comes home, his anger would have subsided. Hopefully.
So yeah. I confess.
In my defense, the sweater did not come with any care label, no instructions on how not to wash it and dry it. Walahi. I checked again.
Note to Igwe: If my defense has angered you, then let’s pretend like I never even said it.
P.S. Whatever the case may be, I want you to remember the following 10 things:
1. Tamper justice with mercy. By this, I mean, no justice, just mercy all the way.
2. Remember that revenge is for the Lord
3. As a Christian, you are obligated to forgive me.
4. Remember it was love that compelled me to wash it.
5. Also remember that I just threw you two surprise parties.
6. Please also remember that I gave you that fine gift for your birthday.
7. I cooked you fish pepper soup yesterday. It took you to a happy place. Please return there at once with more pepper soup in the fridge.
8. You were also at a happy place when you got your manicure and pedicure. Please look at your nails and remember that happy place again.
9. May I have the honor of taking you on a movie date tonight? We’ll go see Skyfall. I’m paying. No, this isn’t bribery. What kind of girl do you think I am?!
10. I’ll buy you chicken tenders too.
P.P.S. Let’s look on the positive side: you can still wear this sweater; you’ll just be starting a new fashion trend of wearing half-top sweaters. Talk about bringing sexy back!