Midnight Bluez: I Don’t Know How To Go Down On Him

Dear Vera & Co,

I really like the idea of your Midnight Bluez series and I wonder why you didn’t start sooner. I’ve been coming back for a second installment since then. I didn’t want to be the next installment because of the similar topics of oral sex, but mine is a different story.

I’m 32 years old and have been married for almost three years. Before I got married, I had dated a few men but was intimate with only one, the one that took my virginity when I was 23. I never gave oral sex to any man, though I received it many times. I just refused to do it. At first, it was because I was irritated. As time went on, it just became more habitual to not give it, than it was conscious choice.

Then I met my husband. Our sex life is great for me. But he’s miserable. He hasn’t said it, but I know. My husband was very “experienced” before we got married. He loves his oral sex, and I won’t lie, he knows how to give it intensely.  The problem now is that I cannot go down on my husband without choking and coughing. And by the time I’m done coughing and drinking water, my husband has already lost his erection, and I can see the frustration on his face.

I have done everything I can think of like suck bananas, lick lollipops, force a toothbrush down my throat, and watch porn. Nothing has worked. I have even prayed about it. And I am now about to talk to a sex therapist. I just don’t understand how to suck this big tasteless piece of meat or how my mouth can possibly cover all the length.  I know people will find this amusing, but this is a serious dilemma for me, and I need any kind of help that will ease the sexual tension between me and my husband.

Please help! I don’t want these small small asewo girls to give my husband what I cannot give him.


My take: This one is really difficult for me . And I am not saying that to sound like a prude, but because I am really not  an expert in the oral sex delivery department. Every thing you already do sounds like you’re taking the right path – except for the toothbrush part; that sounds dangerous. However, I think you may be missing the most important thing: talking to him. Unless I’m being presumptive, you sound like you have not spoken to him (and he has not spoken to you either) about this issue. So I’ll say, talk to him. Ask him exactly what he wants [sexually] and how he wants it. No one and nothing can teach you what he wants better than him, I think.

And since he’s so experienced, he probably knows already exactly what he wants. That said, his experience should not be intimidating to you; after all, he knew about your lack of experience before he married you … right?  And even if he did not, well, here you are. You have to remember that he did not become as experienced as he is today without several trials and errors. You both need to communicate to each other to make your sex life explosive.

Verastic readers, please help a sister in need with your advice and suggestions. 


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  1. Anonymous says

    Kai! I’m sorry, I know this is a dilemma for you but I had to laugh a little.

    First, I only semi agree with Vera about talking to him…If you can sense what he wants, it’s better to just take action..especially when it comes to matters of sex…I personally find it a turn off/ awkward to talk about things (even though I know it “shouldn’t” be because ur married) so I just guide and say what I want during sex/ foreplay…works way better. And if you’re shy about something, enough alcohol can solve that problem.

    Now on to the actual tips..First, I’m not sure what method you’re employing that you cough and gag, my guess is that you’re trying to fit the whole thing down your throat, you don’t have to do that. Being able to suck the entirety of a penis is actually an expert skill (called deep-throating), most women can’t do it because you have to train yourself to have control of you gag reflexes.

    Rather than trying to suck the whole thing, you only need to go down as far as you can (before you start choking lol) and use your hand to stroke and cover the rest of the penis. So, your mouth will be sucking the top half and your hand will be stroking the bottom.

    When your mouth starts to get tired, you can stop sucking but continue using your hand to stroke and make sure you stretch the stroke to cover the areas your mouth left.

    While your hand is stroking, you can move down and use your tongue on the balls and cup them in your mouth while licking them (guys love that ish and its less strain on your mouth than sucking). Be gentle with the balls though…lol.

    Another tip is to focus on the head of the penis, this is where most of the nerve endings are and where men get the most pleasure (aka its the male clitoris). If you do a good job sucking, stroking & licking the balls when you give the head a good sucking he will just explode..

    Lastly, since you can’t twirl the penis around in your mouth, move your head around in different circularish motions while you’re licking and sucking, another thing guys like a lot.

    The number one rule on giving head is, DON’T STOP, even when your mouth gets tired, don’t stop stimulating the area with your hand.

    With enough practice you’ll be a pro, also, although it’s not enjoyable for you now, just relax and learn how to enjoy pleasuring your husband in this way. It’s always obvious when someone doesn’t like giving head and its a turn off. But just take it slow and glance at him while you’re doing it, allow it to turn you on that you’re turning him on…just sha find a way to enjoy it lol, it really helps you to be better and makes the experience pleasurable for the both of you.

    There is more but you will learn with practice, hope this helps!

    Also Vera, I comment on your blog sometimes but bc of the nature of this post & the fact that ppl have been judging me for writing about sex on my blog I had to go no name on this one, smh lol.

    • says

      Wow! I won’t lie, even me self, I’m taking notes —- errr, for when I stop being a virgin *cough*

      And lol at not commenting with your real name because people have been judging you. Tehehehe. No wahala. Thank you all the same.

  2. Pendo says

    anonymous has covered it best! i also agree with Vera about talking to him of course not when you are having, finished or just about to have sex……another point is try and use something like whipped cream, honey or any other sweet syrupy thingy i know my friends who had issues with BJs tried it and it helped them get used to giving it….sort of felt like they were licking icecream. Use said food items on the tip of the penis for starters and lick away a little bit at a time…

  3. Quaggar says

    Pendo and Anonymous have said it all really.

    One thing that is key, is a change of attitude. Sex, like beauty, performance in the workplace, etc is all about attitude, swagger and charisma. If you love what you’re doing, odds are that you will excel in it.

    Think about it this way, that you are giving your man pleasure, and that this would make you really happy, to see him smile and shudder, make him turn from the man he is to your baby upon your touch.

    Oral sex is not so much about skills, deepthroating and the like (although they do help – a lot, hehehe) but rather enjoyment of the act. That for me, is your major problem. Once you solve this, sticking his banana in your mouth wont be a problem – in fact you’d be the one experimenting and trying out diff moves just to see his reaction and utter delight.

    In a nutshell, think of it as a really, really good thing, then occasionally reread the hints from anonymous and pendo. U’ll be amazed!

    Good luck dear!

    • says

      Quaggas, I’m glad you brought that up. I’ve heard a lot about attitude toward sex and how it determines the outcome, and I guess that does make a lot of sense. I remember in my Social Psychology class when we learned that attitude predicts action. Hmmmm.

  4. Bingz says

    K, So, I get this feeling that this guy in question is the listening type. Am with Vera on this one, call him up and tell him “yeah, so I know am not really up to par for you in bed but am trying my best to make it work so please bear with me”… Then since you said he is “experienced” you really should be very careful cause men like that most times tend to go outside to get what they want! To avoid this, you just have to make him happy anyhow possible like cook nice meals(better yet his favourites) and try to be romantic and accommodative. Do not be hard on him(this is very important!) and stay low on arguments. In a nutshell, be caring. The sex therapist part, dont think you need it(and I must say, I found it amusing).. Finally, what anonymous said…thats some deep stuff!! Really!!

  5. Izzie says

    Pls Vera..inbox me anonymous’s website if you know it…good stuff he/she outlined there oooo…very curious now…hahaha

    • says

      Hahaha @ Anonymous’s website. Honestly, I don’t know. As you can see, she said she’s commenting anonymously because she doesn’t want people to know it’s her.

  6. says

    You could also try spicing up his banana with some ‘flavoring.’ Turn the whole experience into a game you both enjoy. Take his banana, lather it with some nice ice cream you like. Like others have said already, you don’t need to dip the whole thing down your throat, only trained people can do that. Start with small nibbles, small kisses, tiny bitty playful bites. See that underside of the banana’s head? Concentrate on that, lick it, titillate it with your tongue. if you run out of ice-cream, put some more on it, if you don’t like ice cream, coat it with some thing you like. While you have his head in your mouth, gently stroke his balls, gently, gently, get him to 69 you as well, in that way, while you are pleasuring him, he would be pleasuring you at the same time, and before you know it, you will both be in the rhythm, in symphony and I can assure you, your collaborative climax would truly be ‘earth-shattering.’

  7. says

    Wait…where am I? Is this not Christian Couples 101? No? What am I….how did I get here?!!!!


    I would have left a comment since this woman is married and o di allowed but ndi ka m ekwusigo okwu. *Bows tosuperior knowledge and departs*

  8. says

    Wait…where am I? Is this not Christian Couples 101? No? What am I….how did I get here?!!!!


    I would have left a comment since this woman is married and o di allowed but ndi ka m ekwusigo okwu. *Bows to superior knowledge and departs*

  9. Jan Marie says

    It just doesn’t get any
    better than seeing the gorgeous “Mrs. Anita Pelaez” over at her and her
    husband “Captain Kutchie’s” place..Some Folks Also Call Him..”The
    KutchMan others call him The Kutchmon!”…Most Just Call Him “The Most
    Interesting Man In The World”….(Anita and Kutchie Pelaez’s Key West, Key
    Lime Pie Factory and Grill)…Just watching the lovely couple baking together all those Yummy
    Key Lime Pies at their Key Lime Pie Factory and Grill in Asheville.
    …It’s always worth the trip to visit them in they’re Historic Key Lime
    Pie Factory and Grill…It should be on everyone’s bucket list for
    sure..And The World’s Best Key Lime Pies!..YUM-YUM-YUM….­­.”Talk About
    World Class” What An Understatement!…….AA­­HHHHH!….The Magic Of The
    Lovely..”Mrs. Anita Pelaez” And Her Delicious Key Lime Pies Baked With
    Pure Love…Always……40 Years And They’re Still Going Strong….

    ….May GOD Continue Blessing “Anita And Kutchie Pelaez” and They’re World
    Famous Key Lime Pie Factory And Grill Where The Personalities, Ovens And
    Smiles Are Always Warm And Inviting. “Kutcharitaville” You’re The Best We Love You!….

    …Now You Know Who Is The Hottest!…And Baby Let Me Tell You, Mrs. Anita Is No Act…She’s The Real Thing Baby!…

    ….Located Near The Biltmore House And Estate…..
    ….Who Could Ask For Anything More?…Anita’s Key Lime Pie…(Hell Yes!)

    ….Just Think, Kutchie’s Goody Goody Cheese Burgers, The Original Cheese Burgers In Paradise!
    ….That Alone Is Quite A Pretty Big Deal If You Ask Me. ….”Hell”,..It’s A Pretty Big Deal Even If You Don’t Ask Me.

    ….Please Be Very Careful With What You Are Putting Into You’re Mouth!

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