“Really weren’t WORTHY it…?” Okay, Tonto, I’m getting you.

I read some of her tweets, and I did not have to go far to quit. I understand abbreviations, especially on Twitter where you’re only allowed 140 characters to speak your mind, but what exactly is the sense in spelling best as BEZT? Do you know how long it took me to figure that out?!

And why, oh, why are Nigerian celebrities – not all of them, of course – fond of talking about the money they have? How much are we talking? Oprah has millions – maybe billions even- and in dollars, and I never, ever, EVER hear her talking about all the money she has or how broke everyone else is. This is how you know that Nigeria really has a poor mentality.

And I don’t think that Tonto is a great actress. I don’t even think that she is a good actress. There are only two things she is good at – and I say good cautiously – and they are:

1.  Crying in movies

2.  Having disgusting please-throw-that-TV-out-the-damn-window sex. It doesn’t turn you on. Doesn’t make you wanna try it. Just makes you question your entire identity and existence as a Nigerian. Like, but how can I go around saying I’m Nigerian when I have people like this disgracing me on TV in the name of a sex scene? 

I will not bother to mention how tacky it is for her to be cursing people out on Twitter. Albeit, I do acknowledge that peeps can piss you the hell off, so there might be a day that you just don’t feel like dealing with anyone’s foolishness. Let’s say that yesterday was that day for Tonto (tongue in cheek).

And so, while people are fighting with her, for her, or against her because of her new single, I want someone to tell me what the hell she’s talm’bout in these tweets.

The post Tonto Dike Is Fighting With Her Fans … But That’s Not Why I’m Vexing appeared first on Verastic.

When Ken (an employee … and maybe part owner?) finally came to talk to us, we told him what we came for. So he asked the natural question, “Do you have anything particular in mind?” To this, I was more than happy to whip out a page from my wedding book. Let me tell you about this wedding book. Several years ago, I worked in a bridal shop, and tons and tons of bridal magazines were sent there like every other day. I’d flip through them and make a mental note of what I liked or did not like.

Finally, I decided to rip off the pages of items or ideas I liked and stick them on a blank page which I arranged chronologically – according to the dates I got them – in a black binder. At the time I started keeping my wedding book, I did not even have a potential boyfriend. But I figured I might as well do something with the magazines. I stopped working there two years later, and my wedding book has not been updated since then. But there is a ring in my wedding book from De Beers that I absolutely love. It’s dated for October 12th 2008 (the day I put it in my wedding book).

Fast-forward back to the present. When Ken asked if there was a particular type of ring I had in mind, I was quick to show him this particular ring. I was sure to tell him that I was not implying that I had to have a ring from De Beers, nor did I have to have one exactly like the one I brought. He understood. But just for the sake of curiosity, I asked, “So give me an estimate, how much do you think that this ring costs?”

After observing it for a couple of seconds, he said – very casually, “Judging by the shape, the design, and the size of the stone, I’d say roughly around $120,000.”

Ehn?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! [Please note the number of punctuation marks, as even this is an understatement of my shock). One hundred and twenty thousand American dollars? For what? Maka why? As in N18, 000, 000 – eighteen million naira? On this one ring that I will wear on one finger? For what reason? How dare you?!

Hmmmmmm. I laughed nervously with sweat appearing in places I didn’t know I could sweat. And all of a sudden, I felt queasy, like the room was suddenly spinning. And I thought to myself while laughing nervously, this man, you’re making me funny.

My friend, give me back my picture!

Okay, forget about the picture I showed you. Let’s work strictly on our budget. I said.

What’s your budget? He asked.

Igwe said a number.

I said, “Err, no. That’s not the budget. Make it lower than that.”

Igwe said, “No, we can work with my budget.”

Me, “Nope! Absolutely not. If you’re willing to spend that much, let me pick a ring and you’ll give me the change.”

At the end of it, I said, “As a matter of fact, I don’t want to do anymore. Let’s go home. All this ring-shopping thing is making me tired. And hungry. And angry.” So we quit and went to Cheesecake Factory for a nice dinner, devoid of all talks about rings. I might just be sporting a rubber band on my finger when the time comes.

I was sure to remind Igwe that this ring-shopping thing is really his job; I should not be coming along. He’s supposed to do it alone and suffer it alone. In his defense, he did not want to buy me something that I wouldn’t wear. Point taken. But still.

There were too many options and too many possibilities. All the ones I saw and liked cost at least $20,000. And there was more of that nervous laughter each time Ken told me the price. I even asked him if they would be having a Black Friday sale. I urged him to have one. Do a sale for 95% off and open the doors at 3AM. We will be here! No chance of that, by the way.  As far as I am concerned, all ring-shopping has been suspended. If Igwe wants one that badly, he can go get it himself. I quit!

Yes. I know you have questions, like why the heck are you and Igwe ring shopping? And is there something you’re not telling us? Of course, there is something I am not telling you. But I will tell you everything —- later. Today is not the day

The post So … Igwe And I Went Ring-Shopping appeared first on Verastic.

Since then, my blog has gone through several transformations: from the look of the blog, to the content, to the name of the name of the blog, and even to the blogging client. The biggest change I ever made was going from Blogger to WordPress, and that was a trying time on it’s own.

Now, another change is in the works. I know, I know … I keep making changes. It’s all part of growth. Change is necessary. When the change happens, I won’t need to announce it – although, knowing me, I definitely will announce it – but you’ll notice it immediately.  There are several changes actually.

But I’m sitting here on this Sunday morning and I’m thinking about how far I have come from where I started, and I am just so grateful for every single one of you. For everyone who bothers to read anything I write, for everyone who comments, for everyone who connects with me on social networks, for everyone who sends me very inspiring and encouraging e-mails, for everyone who listens to and calls into my show, The Verastic Show (shameless plug-in), for everyone who says I have inspired them to blog (me??? I’m just a small girl oh!), and especially for everyone who has followed me all through seven years. I throway yansh for you from both sides.

Blogging is not easy. There are days that I get tired and I want to quit, but then, I think, how can I quit? What will happen to all the years I have invested? What will I do if I quit? What about the people who swear they love this blog? And usually, in my biggest moments of doubt, someone randomly sends me an encouraging message to say how much they love me. And then, all is alright with the world again. Whether you accept it or not, you all have been automatically entered into Team Verastic (and no, you have no right to leave or decline, so drop it!)

Most especially, I’m grateful to God. I did not have a vision for this blog when I started. I did not see people liking me, or me doing it for this long, or me loving this blog – and all things Verastic – this much, or me having such grand plans for the future. I did not see this. I did not plan this. Someone put these ideas in my head, and it was not me. Thank You, God.

Thank you, everyone. Tomorrow is Monday. I have a special post for single people and formerly single people – meaning: EVERYONE, so be sure to check it out and give me your five cents.

Yours always,

Vera

xoxo (I don’t know why I’m putting xoxo at the bottom of my post, and I’m not even completely sure what it means, but that’s what all the cool people are doing, so yeah, xoxo!)

P.S. Yes, I am aware that tomorrow is Nigeria’s 52nd birthday, and most bloggers will be putting up a post to congratulate Nigeria and talk about where she is, where she should be, and where she should be going. But on this October 1st 2012, I have more important things to attend to, and so, I am consciously skipping the blogging festivities. Besides, we talked about Nigeria yesterday on The Verastic Show (another shameless plug-in). If you missed it, check for the podcast here.

The post Feeling Grateful appeared first on Verastic.

Nope, they are not twice. However, these are two identical sisters are married to two identical brothers. How cool is this?! I have never, ever seen a thing like this, although I have always pondered it. I’ve heard of siblings marrying siblings, but not identical twins to identical twins. I mean, what are the odds? I’ve been staring at their pictures forever, smiling as if I know them.

That means everyone means two things to each other, right? The brides are sisters to each other, and also sisters-in-law. And so are the grooms. Mad cool. Does that mean their children will be twice as cousin-ny? Like maybe being cousins twice automatically scratches the original cousin-ny stuff and makes them siblings? I don’t know, just grasping at straws here.

I have mentioned more times than I care to remember that I want a pair of confusingly identical twin boys. My desires have not wavered. I still want them. I just think there is something so beautiful and sacred and amazing about twins. I wish these couples a very long and happy married life. Amen.

But you know what this means? There cannot be any such thing as, “I don’t like your sister and her husband! I don’t want them in my house anymore.” Nope. Can’t happen. No wife can complain to her husband about his brother’s wife having an attitude and wanting to take over her kitchen. The husband will simply say, “Err, honey, that’s your sister. You two figure it out.”

Credits: Wedding Nouveau

The post Twin Sisters Marry Twin Brothers appeared first on Verastic.

But what did I find online today on Uber Naija? A picture of the president sitting in his office – pretending to be doing work, when we all know that he’s just eating and sleeping – in Aso Rock! I fainted six times. On my way to the seventh faint, my God vindicated me, and He reminded me that seven is the number of perfection – Hey, that’s what they always say in RCCG churches.

I wonder what he’s looking at. Must be desktop calendar — trying to check how many more days he has to chop all of Nigeria’s money — and possibly pay a tutor for his wife’s English.

The post Holy Cow … It Does Exist! appeared first on Verastic.

For years now, women have been injecting their breasts to make them bigger. Whether or not men like the feeling of these breasts remains a mystery. But as you know, almost every man wants – or will not mind – a bigger penis. But not every man would go past praying about it to make it bigger. Like Street, a 22-year old New Jersey father of two who went to Rivera – pictured above –  to enlarge his penis.

Rivera advertised her services in  flyers that were posted around local businesses, and she performed the procedure in her apartment – with no medical training or licensing whatsoever. She injected his penis with silicone. What could possibly go wrong?

He died the next day. That’s what could – and did – go wrong. His death has been ruled a homicide. Rivera is pleading not guilty. Of course.

P.S. Thanks to Bankole for sending me this story.

[Source] [Source]

The post Silicon Doesn’t Have The Same Effect On Penises As It Does On Breasts. Did You Know? appeared first on Verastic.

On the right is what Lady Gaga used to look like, and on the left is what pictures say she looks like now. I say pictures because I don’t think that’s what she really looks like. In response to everyone who has been calling her fat and what not, Lady Gaga has launched a Body Revolution page on her social networking site, Born This Way.

And in true gaga style, she has also included half-naked pictures of herself. But this time, they are captioned, “Bulimia and anorexia since I was 15.”  Quite personal, no?  As you can see, these pictures look nothing like the one posted above. She is also encouraging her fans to post pictures of themselves.  Only a few hours after the site was up, fans started uploading pictures and stories of themselves. I wonder what it feels like to have such an effect on people, most of whom you don’t even know.

Well, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. If it had not been pointed out, I would not have known that she gained weight. And even now that I know – by her own admission – she still looks great to me.

There is a reason why people go gaga for this Lady.

P.S. If you’re interested, you may check out her Body Revolution page on Little Monsters. You’ll have to sign in first.

[Source - FashionIndie] [Source - Jezebel]

The post But Is Lady Gaga Actually Fat? appeared first on Verastic.

LovePalz must have known what was on our mind because I just read that they have created a new sex toy for long distance lovers – called LovePalz. The male toy is called Zeus, and the female toy is called Hera. Aptly named, no? These toys are wireless, rechargeable, power-saving, easy to hold, and water-proof!

So how do they work, you ask? Wi-fi and an iPhone app, of course. What were you thinking? These devices also have the functionality of video conferences, device connection and interaction, and find your lover. Speaking of wi-fi, I have a picture in my head where a lover in Nigeria is using this toy and the internet trips off leaving both partners stranded, horny, and pissed. Gooooood stuff!

I want to ask why one would need a “friend’s list” for a sex toy because I’m wondering how many people a person may want to have virtual sex with, but I guess this is much like real life where a person has real sex with more than one more person. While having a lot of friends on Facebook makes you look like some kind of famous person, I wonder if it’ll have the same effect in the LovePalz friends list. Imagining connecting to your girlfriend’s / boyfriend’s device and discovering that she/he has 300 friends. Say what?!

Anyway, each of these devices cost $49.95, but together, they cost $94.95. But there is also a gold one that is 24K gold for only $10, 000 (for the pair). There are only 10 of these, so for all my Nigerian people who like to buy the priciest items just because they can, you should hurry while supplies still last.

You may read more about LovePals here.

P.S. The iPhone app has not been approved by iPhone yet, so don’t go looking for it yet.

P.P.S. But you can pre-order the toys. As of right now, 2183 orders have been made.

P.P.P.S. I dedicate this post to Sisi Yemmie, Funmie, and everyone in a long distance relationship. Go get your toys, folks!

[Source]

The post The Sex Toy For Long Distance Lovers … Seriously! appeared first on Verastic.

I don’t even know how to begin to describe this hymen kit. It has literally left me at a loss for words. On one hand, I am laughing at the men who will fall for this fake virginity stunt, but on the other hand, I am worried for my sons. They have not been conceived yet, and women now have a way to fake their virginity. What will happen by the time my sons are old enough to get married?

In other words, pretend to be a virgin, spill some fake blood, and then, moan and groan to confirm pain (and pleasure?) to seal the deal. Okay. Got ya! To use the kit, the aspiring virgin has to insert the artificial hymen into her vagina about 15 to 20 minutes before intercourse, and she should note that after intercourse, some of the artificial hymen will melt inside the vagina. But don’t worry, it probably doesn’t cause cancer.

If you’re concerned about what people will think when they see that you have received a package from the Hymen Shop, then worry no more because it will arrive in a discreet packaging and no one will know what’s in it. For every woman that has been branded as the highway, as Google (everyone is browsing), as the Post Office (people keep going in and out) the asewo ten kobo, and as the Keziah, this here, is your way of keeping your secret.

The good news is that I have figured out a way to protect my sons: if any woman spills blood for them, they have to take that bed sheet to the nearest lab for some DNA testing. My mom always says that it is with madness that you fight madness.  There is no other way to fix this. We just all have to be mad.

That said, I say ntoooo (sticking tongue out) to all the men who are looking for virgins. Virgins are great by all accounts, but any man who is not a virgin has lost his right to look for one. The irony is that it is always the sleaziest of men that go looking for virgins, the men who have sampled every woman and their cats.

The next time you break a woman’s hymen, think twice. In the meantime, you can go to the artificial hymen site to see what I’m seeing. And possibly order yourself a brand new virginity?

Disclaimer: This is not an endorsement of this product, nor is this an ad of any kind. View and purchase at your own risk.

The post Ladies, You Can Now Regain Your Virginity … For The Low Price Of $29.95! appeared first on Verastic.

But as I just read right now, there might soon be a Bisexual Day, too … in Berkeley, California. But of course. Word on the street, however, is that San Francisco is the gayest American City. I don’t know for sure. I’ve never been there. I did, however, just come back from San Diego, and let’s just say it was interesting.

Back to the Bisexual Day, apparently, bisexuals feel like they don’t fit in with either gays, lesbians, or straights. No kidding! Turns out that the gays and lesbians often discriminate against them and make them feel like they are neither here nor there. And bisexuals are often judged based on the gender of their current love interest. Example, if you see a girl dating a girl in September, she is judged as being a lesbian. And if you see the same girl three months later with a boy, that means she is straight. [But what are we supposed to think na??] So, bisexuals don’t like this. They want us to understand that it is possible for them to love different kinds of people for the rest of their lives, that it is not just a phase.

See, what I don’t understand is why bisexuals think that the rest of us – gay or straight – should not be confused by their indecision. I have consciously decided not to say they are confused, as I foresee some ugly comments coming in. Hold your horses, this is my blog, and I have a right to be confused. I don’t understand anything but being straight. I probably will never understand, and so, I have decided to leave it alone.

The hope is that the Bisexual Day will be celebrated on September 23rd, “the same day bisexual activists around the country have been holding Celebrate Bisexuality Day events for over a decade.”  I did not even know this. For the past decade??? Where have I been? So, if you live in the Berkeley area, prepare to celebrate – maybe.

But uhm … does anyone else think we need a World Straight Day?

[Source]

The post Bisexual Day, Huh? appeared first on Verastic.